Modified

So I'm back here again, reunited with you my friend, a lot has happened these last few months, time to update and keep it moving. This year I finally ad the courage to let go of an amalgamated, I know that department is my baby but thats a lie I've been telling myself for too long now. Had I put that much effort into starting my own business, I'd probably be richer than the Syrian himself! Well that leads me to update #2, I did start a business or rather I walked into one with an old friend of mine, the start is shaky but we're getting wiser everyday and learning more. First lesson we learned is to hold on to our good clients and treat them well, we won't be anywhere without them and I need to remember that all the way on this ride.
It's not been smooth sailing but Im taking the bumps as I go along, got plenty to sacrifice but hopefully in the end the rewards will be worth it. Some of my old demons are back too, still have ex girlfriends and this crazy chic who I let trick me into being around this child til now she constantly uses the child to be near me. Tonight I told her off but she won't stop so maybe I need to disappoint her with some limp dick and hope it works like it worked on the rest. Other than that it's not been too bad, I'm still suspicious of this new girl Natasha because I'm beginning to think this is Tanisha all over again and it's bothering me. She is nice and nice to look at but she's not struck me as somebody I ought to invest all that time with, maybe I'm being paranoid and maybe I should give her a chance to show she's more than what I'm seeing but when has that ever worked? Have to look at her eyes to see what exactly she hiding so much that she needs to distract me with all these things, that is my main focus with her right now. I know what it's like to hide parts of me and I know those parts are often deal breakers but luckily for me she's not been paying attention and I guess after I meet her we'll see what she really hiding. Did I mention she's from Barbados???
Pondering to get up and exercise as my blood is getting cold and I think I will, I've got the time and I do need to be outdoors so let's get to that. Only thing keeping me back is me because my mind says it's a great time to be outside. Well farewell for now, time to go walk and maybe hunt some pokemon.

Seeing Stars

Seems there's alot on my mind these days, the more I think about it the worst it gets, the struggle with the mind games people play is more than I can handle. It's to the point that now I'm feeling inadequate to even be on the same planet as these crazies. Maybe I ought to have a sham relationship with a lesbian and leave it as is, at least that way I'll know where I stand and not be at risk to unnecessary pain and torment. Marriage means nothing to society, infidelity is the new fame, there's a trophy count for how may heads you can scalp in the bedroom and they're very proud to say their numbers are high. I don't belong with these people, their thinking is below my reach, their ideals are corrupted at best with enough torment to make saints give up their holy ways. These do indeed reek of the last days with even the church being infiltrated by the shenanigans of a cruel world. It's so bad such things as manners and courtesy are seen as hints of sexual flirtation, can't even say good morning without being bludgeoned with eyes of wrath or an insincere wave off.
The worst part about all this is that people now look to exploit my good nature, the more they say they won't is the more they do. Last night a so called friend asked me for $1500 to go make a purchase while she shipped out her husband and moved in the   outside man. Neither of these guys could give you the money you need? You having sex with both but I'm your pocket crutch?? No eh! It never has and will never be that way, one day I will stop believe your fake words and move past you again because I realize that your at the point where I'm now a convenience again. Interesting how that works but thankfully I'm not falling for it, in a time not so far back I would have been yearning for your attention but not when I know better and am doing better. I see the games you play and I see how you try to manipulate me into giving up my bricks to build your shaky house. I won't fall for it and you will not ever trap me like that again, pseudo friendship is worst than true enemies, I prefer the enemy who is honest enough to let me know we are energy.it's than the spy who uses guile and deceit to fabricate a friendship that's really a convenience.
I've seen u all, I've seen u all try hard to derail me and I will not be led off course. If I have to stay in the shadow of my own home to keep away from you people I will and that will give me the peace I need.
One day I'll look back on this stage and wonder how I ever let you bother me this much, but I'll always remember that it was the false friend and not the enemy who wanted to see me never do better

Trapped in Prison

Oh wow, here we go with the untrustworthy people again, the games people play with the emotions of others are the reason why the world is not enough. I've felt the brunt of this before, an affair that caused my life to end, turned my world upside down and made me into a tormented man. I get that your marriage wasnt the best, not sure what marriage is but you cheat on a man you took vows to honour and protect, to defend and love, to uphold in sickness and health, you violated those vows because you felt slighted and spent moons pretending all was well and for what? So you could run wild with a dj and live out your party days? The confusion that is people amazes me, you want to be settled but you want to settle in an arena which poisons homes. They say a rose can grow in even concrete, they also say it grows alone in concrete so yes it will stand out much like the Lotus in the swamp but that's because it's all alone with poisonous marsh around it. After it wilts out of season no one cares anymore and it dies slowly until it's time to blossom again.

I've said all I needed to about your mess, you made it and you're the one making your mother's words come to pass. She said what she said because you never listen, you never heeded her warnings and look at that you're now living the exact same life she did. They really say youth is wasted on the young, you won't see the error of your ways til it's too late because as far as you go you're right to do what you're doing to those whom you say you care for. Yea well I'll be at a distance living safely and virus free, I've not forgotten when you were deathly afraid you'd contracted syphilis after you sold your body for a few days in a BMW with that other crazy chic. After all that you still haven't realized that it's the ease in which you lower your standards that causes you to end up in these messes, maybe one day my friend you will heed my words and stop being a sex toy to people who aren't interested in seeing you rise or sadly you may end upon the grave earlier than planned of worst doomed to a life of suffering before you even get to hell

Moving Forward

So it's happened again, another trial gone wrong only this time I've managed to capture the source of the issue so there's progress. So here's what I've learned from.this experience;

1. There's no changing people, people will be who they intend.to be no matter how much you talk. If someone isn't nurturing then they can't be made to be, no amount of sex or good treatment will change that. It doesn't matter what sad song they sing, people will not be able to get past their own traits.simply because these are the habits they treasure the most.

2. I've learned that very often what I seek isn't in the package I crave, so it's time to adjust my view of the package. The focus is now specifically leaning towards my basic needs and not the rest of the mumbo jumbo. I've seen what ignoring that looks like and it is ugly. People hide behind what they deem.as attractive traits, some.say generosity but behind that is an arrogant and demeaning spirit he'll bent on breaking you as a person. Easy to hide and much like spyware sneaks itself into your being turning you into a mindless slave after.

3. Stand true to my concepts of a relationship and ensure that the people I let into my personal have the same ambitions I do otherwise it's jus wasted time. Never try to convince someone to share my dreams, if they don't believe in it, there's no way I can convince them otherwise.

4. Always stay true to my instinct, I always foresee what people are and how they will react and still try to believe they'll be better. People are who they are, there's no changing them, nothing I ever say or do will change that and as such it's best to move on if I don't like what I see.

5. Most important, at no point in time is it ever acceptable to be belittled by anyone I'm interested in. I've seen the results of that and I must always remember to never belittle anyone but to always accept them as they are.

Subset

Thirty two years, after thirty two years I still don't feel like I've ever fit in or belonged anywhere. I've been in many circles and felt either too much or too little and been chastised for both. Sometimes I wonder if I really belong or if I'm always gonna stand out like a fluorescent pink sore on fatman scoop belly.
It's depressing to think that no matter where I go the balance I see is not seen elsewhere. I always feel like the alien to the point that now I've resorted to creating a facade designed to mask my true nature and with the hope that I fit in well enough to be unnoticed by the masses. I find it unfair though, going through this much effort and discomfort all in the name of ensuring my personality is well guarded behind an illusion of folly and pseudo fun and pride. I often wonder whats the point of it all though, what's the point of having to hide because of abusers and users, why disguise being soft and caring because of ridicule and torment, why confuse those around me into a false impression of my character? Its not that I want to but the reality is in the very questions I ask, I'm afraid of the consequences of being me, I'm afraid of reliving what was a painful time in life, I'm afraid of the torment and strife that comes with revealing the truth of my lifestyle.
Its a shame really, there's so much I have to share and offer but if I don't see about myself I won't ever be able to offer me any of me.
Maybe one day I won't have to hide who I am, maybe one day I'll be free to be all of me without fear or regret, maybe one day this will all be a bad dream and I'll wake up and see the world isn't as bad as it seems.

Outside mirrors

As the days wear on I'm feeling an old and very familiar air around me. I realize it's happening again, the persecution, the aggression and the overall abuse of my good nature. Jus the other day I was struck by a coworker for treating him with the scant courtesy and total lack of respect and regard he showed me. I still remember the amount of rage I felt surge through me, I saw the tunnel vision, I saw the care for his well being, the love for his family slip away from me with the speed of lightning. I saw only him and his blood falling to the ground just as my bloodied saliva did. In the end though I wasn't as alone as I thought and the hand of another coworker would quickly widen my vision.
I still wonder about it all though, what would've happened had it not been for the other two, what if it was really just me versus him, what if there was no one around to calm me down.............. It's a lot to ponder those consequences, it's even more to ponder the current torment of feeling overrun and outgunned. Seems everyone is out to get what they want and nothing more, seems like the world is once again aiming to milk me dry and leave me for nought. The timing is interesting as I'm on the verge of my breakthrough and almost free of the torment of long ago. As I sit here I wonder if I'm really ready to be successful, I realize now you have to be very selfish in order to go forward on this world, you can't have a soft heart, you can't feel for others, you can't be generous, you can't even be kind. It's all a charade, an act in a play so that you can bypass the traps out here. Sad really because it means I'll be no better than the rest but if I'm to at least be physically comfortable I see no other option.
Well maybe one day I won't have to live like them, maybe one day I can be free to be me without being judged and tormented, without the persecution and ridicule, without the strain of being different in a world where being the same is easier than being yourself.

Currently

It's back again, the heaviness, the torment, beginning to feel overwhelmed with grief and I'm starting to crack under the pressure. Days like this I'm not sure what to do with myself because its one issue that forever nags me, I feel like I've failed completely in life. I haven't been able to finish anything I've started and my low confidence is attacking me even harder.

Of late I've realized I'm impotent, I'm depressed, I'm jus not any good to myself and I'm not any good to anyone. I'm sitting here wondering why I have been unable to lift myself up because I know I'm putting things in place to be better and to do more. I feel alone tho, I feel unloved and unwanted, I feel walls of distrust I haven't felt for sometime now so I know they're closing in. I don't feel my joy or my passion, I feel uninspired and definitely unmotivated, it's hard even getting off the bed when the day comes, this morning was a great example of how depressed I am because even the basics to get the job done I'm uninterested in doing. I know what I want to do but for the life of me I'm so used to failing I have not even the slightest urge to try to succeed. Perhaps my detractors of years gone were right, I wasn't worth the effort and they had no right to believe in me, I honestly do feel like I'm wasting time and it's time I stopped fooling myself. On the other hand giving up means I have to show the world who I really am and that's not something I want to do, somehow I have to lower my visible potential some more so I won't seem as capable. Going back to this place raises that expectation because I'm looked at to do well, or are they lying and I'm buying dreams wholesale. Either which way I currently do not feel my potential, this is causing the chaos becuz to survive I have to act like I believe in my potential and it makes no sense. Maybe one day I can be my natural self around others but today isn't that day so for now I have to suck in all this stress and keep moving.

I cannot trust people not even my own blood, I cannot trust my shadow, I can only trust me and I need to be able to do that. Maybe one day I'll have a support team the way I support others………………………………………………

The Struggle

I dislike being taken advantaged of, these days you cannot be more than basic courteous to anyone for all it will bring you is suffering and torment. How is it in a world filled with the same species all looking for honesty, love, justice and commitment there is so much deceit, distrust, grudge and dishonesty? These atrocious traits are perpetuated by the very humans crying for saints and saintly ways. Imagine a world with people saying let's be nice while aiming guns and knives at each other! Imagine a civilization that cannot even trust it's own shadow for it too is steeped in the stench of deliberate misdirection and as such cannot be trusted to provide the most basic of truths.

Sad are these times when to live you must be camouflaged from the world in order to even walk the streets. So many of us have masks of so many varieties that we don't even know who we are at our very core!! Every time I leave home I have to wear a different identity in order to make it to the end of the day. It's not even like being able to drive a different car everyday, its simply an annoying show that I have to change daily to survive walking the streets. If you look too soft elements of crime hunt you, if you look too rough the police! If you even look somewhere in between then society discards you as lacking an identity on the whole. So how then am I supposed to fit in? Where do I belong if I can't even be part of me?? Seems no matter where I go I'm a square peg in a round hole, too qualified for some and under qualified for the rest. Whether I raise or lower my standards I just don't fit in, I don't belong to any set or group and worst I can't even belong to myself because according to said society this is insanity! The nerve of these people to tell me I can't belong to myself! What is so wrong with me that I can't even belong to myself?? Why is it so hard to just accept that I like being nice and I like working hard and I like progressing through hard work? Why do I always have to disrupt an entire plan jus to make one step?? Now after the disruption I'm left forty steps behind and still have to scrape and fight to achieve what? One step?? Society get real! This is why I do not get along with people and I want no part of any association with anybody! You bastards are untrustworthy and sickeningly hypocritical on all fronts!

There's no two ways to take any part of such folly seriously, whether you aspire to live in peace or torment the world with war you're not going to be treated fairly in a world where the unjust is unjust to all who chooses any path in life. Bound to the earth for a lifetime of torment, they only exist to ensure the time you spend here is difficult beyond measure. Some day I'll be free ……………………………………………………

My Cross

Sometimes it's not worth the struggle to discover a truth we already know, sometimes when we think better can happen it actually only gets worst. Days will come when you wonder what's the point of it all, if it makes sense fighting this fight at all, what's the purpose of my existence in all this chaos. Many times I'm genuine but very few am I real, you see this side of me and wonder how can he be so happy with ease. You don't know my struggle, you can't see my fears, never will you understand my pain, not even after a million years! I'm an enigma to you, kind, passionate, devoted, considerate, loving and gentle, I'm not your average tool wielding, strong arming man who can slay a pussy with a thought. I'm not even that man who you see in the streets and wonder if he really that rich or if he just spending somebody else's riches and looking like he a boss.

My wealth comes from inside, my strength comes from places you can never see, my power isn't in my frail muscles nor my decaying teeth. I'm nowhere near the biggest nor am I even close to the strongest, I get scared, I feel.sad and I get mad sometimes at the turn of a door. I can't promise you wild sex that will make your spine churn, I can't promise you a fun filled that only riches can earn, I can't promise you I can fix it all but I can promise you that my strength is buried in the Lord who keeps me safe from harm, away from evil, who guides my every step and ensures that when I say I'm yours I'm yours. I may not be the man of your dreams, I may not be the stars on the magazines but I'd like to be the man who makes your stars shine and your dreams soar, I'd like to be the man who you can say you worked with and built it all.

I'm shy most days but to you I'll be open, the world scares me because I gave them a chance to see me as me and all they did was spurn me. What you see when I'm out there is but a fraction of who I am, a shallow show designed to keep the hordes at bay. Come one or many none of them matter at all, me and you together we can conquer them and watch as they fall. I can only pray that the day you come you can appreciate all of me, for I will love and cherish all of you and to all of you I will always be true. Maybe one day we'll meet by the Lord's grace, maybe one day we'll wed and build us a comfortable space that we may shelter from the pouring rain or blazing sun, maybe we can build our own paradise and shine our light all our lives long

Letting Go

As I officially turn 32 I find myself in a familiar but at the same time very strange place. About twelve hours ago I caught myself literally begging for the attention of a lady I'm supposed to be with, I mean literally screaming and cursing begging for her to stop running away from me and for the life of me I do not understand why I stooped so low. If we're supposed to be together how come I have to beg you to be with me and not realize you have made every excuse in the book to be elsewhere? The worst part is that I begged for more than two hours and I didn't realize what I was doing until nearly three hours after the argument started.
Now I know that when someone gets close, it's difficult for me to separate my feelings from the truth and that has been my downfall for years but yesterday was so clear. You jus do not beg for attention from people who swore they would give it to you freely, if you promise to always be that close in my life and I have to beg for your attention then somewhere a lie was told and I need to stop believing these lies. Imagine with all the stress going on you just couldn't stay and be where I needed you to be while I struggle to cope with it all. You ran away and told me that you were literally running away, it didn't even matter if I objected, you're running away and that's final. When I really needed your presence and support is when you chose to fight me off and push me away. You actually destroyed out friendship because throughout it all I have been by your side but now I see that it was all just one sided and that you're not as strong as you claim to be. In all the mess you couldn't even apologize you just insisted that you runaway and that's the part that really hurt deepest. It hurt that when I needed you I was left hanging all alone, it hurt that when I opened my arms for you to come closer you ran further and further, it hurt that while I was screaming at the top of my voice for you to be here you were going further and further away ignoring my every cry. It all hurt and it's all clear that this was a really big mistake, you're no different to the rest because just like the rest when I need you to be there by my side you disappear into the shadows and I'm still left to fight on my own and fight you too!
I guess I had to be the one to pay for the sins of the rest so I hope your happy, you win, the world of men have been made to shed your tears and now you have your revenge. Now you can boast that you conquered men and you did it your way, you can boast now of your strength to make men cry over you while you go out and live your life. Congratulations you won the fight and men lost at last. Meantime I'm going to lick my wounds and keep it moving, I ain't here to win any fights nor can I even fight anymore. I'm tired of having to always take the abuse when all I wanted was a growing love, I'm tired of having to constantly dry tears while everyone else walks off in some form of triumph, most of all I'm tired of being told I'm loved when I was really being suckered into a beat down. This is goodbye and I hope that life is great to you so that you won't have to beat anymore men. You're right, this is why I'll be single, I'm not strong enough to be with anyone because in the end as long as I am who I am then I can be nothing more than a punching bag.

Note to Self

It doesn't matter how good you may think they are, it doesn't matter how much they do for you! Never and I mean NEEVEERR let them in!! This is what you get for still believing you can trust people with the truth! At the end of the day you're too weak to be with anyone and if you continue wasting time believing that people will stay by your side once they realize who you really are you will end up wasting away!

I cannot imagine how many times I have warned you to never reveal these facts to them! Let them stay in confusion and you just dance your way around until all is settled but no you won't listen! You insist that you trust these unworthy assholes with the very weapon that kills you each and every time! Grow to fuck up and stop believing that you have friends or even associates! They're all the same and no matter how you swing it they will always be all the same! Now look at you, still alone and unsure of where she stands and all because you refuse to understand that they cannot be trusted!! It serves you right for thinking that any of them are "safe". None of them are safe and none of them will ever be safe because none of them understand what you're going through no matter how hard you try to explain it, they will never understand because they will never understand you!! To believe otherwise is simply fairytale shit that you need to let go of and realize that as long as you are you they will never want you or even like you!

She will leave, she's already started, she doesn't even remember that you asked her to spend your birthday with you quietly because why? She doesn't understand and she will reject the very concept of who you are and why you are who you are! Don't waste your time believing anything else because all you will do is set yourself up for a world of hurt and torment. Jus carry on with the mission and forget people, it doesn't matter if you're rich or not people just will not accept you for who you really are because nobody knows who you really are! Nobody will understand who you really are and nobody ever will understand who you are because they don't believe that you exist! Stay in your corner and life will be simple, you were doing so well for two years and now look what happen! From Anike to Lyndi to Khadija and now her! How many more examples do you need? Have you forgotten about starrie?? Did u forget about Jeanette?? Come on man get a grip and get it together!! They can't understand what they don't believe so stop wasting all that effort hoping for better because all you will get is worst!!

Stepping Forward

Its 2015 and a lot has changed but a lot remains the same. I have a new job with old ways of the system, a new girl with my old fears and cares and even tho I lost my truck I can actually buy back one later this year. Well I've not been here in a while because I'm actually at peace, despite one brother being in jail and the other hospitalized there's no turmoil in my life to send me insane. I jus wished I was past this first stage of development but impatience still haunts me even in my wisdom. This time tho, I'm not about hunting goals and chasing dreams, I'm wise enough to know that what you chase will always elude you because what is for you will come to you. I've even made a new plan and it is very plausible with so much ease that it forces me to save what I would have otherwise wasted. I've finally gotten my family to support my ambitions and wouldn't you know it comes when the most amount of division has risen in my home.

As I march towards my 32nd birthday, I realize I have some loose ends to tie up and I think it's time I did so. Loose ends always mean a humbug to trip over if left unattended, most of these are financial though and the best part is that it's an easy mess to clean without any headache whatsoever. Well that's me for now, it's getting shorter because I'm really that much happier with less stress and less worries. Coming to think of it I haven't stressed in days now! Let's hope this keeps up

In me

Those little things are what make me really happy, simple considerations, thoughtful gestures and surprises. I never really pondered why I like them so much until today and while I'm here sick in bed I can't help but smile at how easy I am to please.

I'm not one to run thirsty behind sex, it never was my main motivation because to me the sex is just another bonding part of a relationship but not even close to the core. Sure you can get your body naked but what about your soul? I absolutely love being able to connect at the soul, it's the strongest and most satisfying bond ever because it reveals so much about myself and the lady I'm with and us as a team. That intimacy where I'm unafraid to be me, my soft side that loves to cuddle, that sweetness of being kissed slowly and warmly, the security of a hug so tight that all I want to do is bury myself in you. I don't want to be at a distance from such heaven, I won't hide from so much love, there's so much I want u to know about me, more than my fears and my cares, I want u to know how silly I behave when u tickle me, I want u to see the glow in my eyes when you wrap me in your arms, I want u to see my desires when you turn me on and I crave you and only you. It won't happen in one night but bit by bit the magic is revealed, I'm not as complicated as people say nor am I anywhere near as vile and cruel as the world believes. Those are fronts to keep the unwanted out and allow only you in. Only you will know I love to be massaged on my ankles, only you will know if you rest your feet on me I'll rub them til you fall asleep, only you will know if you caress my curly hair I giggle like a school girl and blush the same way. Being in your presence is more than enough to make me smile, you alone will know that deep in my mind I work hard on being a better man so you will be proud of me. These are jus the basic things of my being and all I want is for you to love me just the way I love you.

My love is simple, it's filled with care, it's a joyous celebration of everything we share, my love is deep and filled with passion, when you bleed I bleed and when you succeed I succeed. My love is an overflow of compassion and kindness, an undying yield to serve you my sweet princess, never will I be able to resist your touch for as long as I love you my entire being will be at your disposal. My love is never shared for many cannot reap the same total, only you are my queen and only you are the source of my fire. I do hope this love you can understand for it's feelings and commitment and passion and a burning inferno of desire.…………………………………………

War and me

Epiphany is a hell of a feeling, it's when all that clarity hits u all at once and suddenly everything becomes clear! Today I realized how the devil keeps beating me, today I fully understand how he always wins despite my best efforts! Today I've seen his strategy carte blanche!!

It really does come down to us as individuals, we have to be really willing to take a good hard look at ourselves to be perfectly sure of where we gonna be attacked. Satan is a war tactician and as such he lives to discover my weaknesses, but those weaknesses aren't just what I know, they're also the points that  blind to, the points I try to hide and especially the points I'm afraid to face. Today I saw what I thought to be a beautiful woman and had a perfect opportunity to talk to her but I felt inadequate and shy, I felt less than a human being because of a false sense of belief that I lacked the necessaries to be a king to this woman. I lack finances of others, I'm nowhere near the best in bed, my manners are sometimes poor and worst of all I barely have time for myself. These factors led me to believe that I'm unworthy and because of my insecurities I shied away from what could have been something beautiful. If I were warring against me and wanted me to fail nothing would be easier than to exaggerate these insecurities especially if I could see them with ease! So that led me to realize that my success is being blocked by an exaggerated illusion of my own creations!!

Imagine an entity that can see our back doors, an entity that can pinpoint with accuracy the source of the sad tears we shed behind closed doors and then turn those insecurities into weapons of war against us! This is what Satan does, it's an ancient war tactic where you use the force of your enemy to defeat them! In this case the force of our insecurities are what we battle against daily. The question is how do we win………………………………… well you can't answer that question unless you know what you willing to do to be a better person. Are you really brave enough to face your fears, acknowledge your imperfections, confess your faults, expose your vulnerabilities, open your heart to a world that you're afraid will hurt you?? If you lack this courage then Satan will always win because he will always have weapons to destroy you, he will always have soft spots to torment you with til your an insomniac zombie awaiting eternal flames of pain! Which life would you rather live?

Sorrows

I know it's my fault when things don't go right but it's so often now that even when things seem ready to fall into place they don't. I feel very pessimistic about life as I get older, I feel unfulfilled and underachieving, I'm not sleeping because I'm not happy with my life. After all the disappointments and constant failures I know I have myself to blame but what more is there? Why can't I take the steps necessary to achieve what I want? Lord knows I've been searching for months and years keeping up a charade in the meantime to pretend as if I've done it all when in fact I haven't even started yet. Nothing goes my way and anything good to come is all an illusion at the moment. It seems good but it really isn't and now I find myself stuck and unable to move.

It saddens me daily that this is what I call life, plenty ambition but no means to achieve it and no support to push on. Everybody expects me to be this big strong superhero but I'm so fragile and feel so weak and useless, I feel as if nothing will ever go right for me no matter what I do it seems I'm just destined to be stuck in a rut. The darkness I see more and more of has me feeling depressed and disabled, I have no hope of being anything but stuck under the thumb of others and it bothers me. Maybe it's because I'm home I haven't achieved anything, but why is it so hard? Why do I forever have to not have while everybody else can go out and get theirs? No matter how I turn I just cannot seem to get past this limiting barrier and it is frustrating me! Stuck at the same level for more than a decade and it seems no matter how I try I just cannot escape!!! Where am I going wrong lord? What am I not doing that I just cannot seem to not have to rely on these abusive people I'm surrounded by? What lesson do I have to learn to finally have my own? Something as simple as purchasing a car seems like scaling the cosmos on foot!! Why?? Why are these basic things so hard? Why am I forever having these doors closed and being banned from moving forward? Just this little step I cannot achieve? This one thing I wanted and by every turn I'm denied again and again no matter which road I walk? I'm broke and left with nothing, I was humble and then attacked only to now be persecuted and hunted! If I only strike back then all of a sudden I'm the greatest evil ever! Lord you know the thoughts that persist in my mind, you see the darkness that is my heart. As time wears on I love less and less and I begin to feel more and more hate towards all that exists. I cannot fathom why you don't open doors for me or why I'm always left in the shade and denied any opportunity to advance but it is at the point where I am sick and fucking tired of it all!! Even now as I type this I see my phone giving me a hard time and it is this shit I cannot stand!! Why is everything for me such a fucking issue? Even to type now is a problem? How is it when I'm not doing anything related to my growth I don't see these headaches? Am I really just meant to be a waste and nothing more? Cannot have children cannot even get a car and all of this negativity for what? While those who I help go further and I'm just stuck here unable to move?

I will be awaiting your answers lord, patiently awaiting because none of this makes any sense to me whatsoever. I know your timing is different to mine but know that I'm at my wits end and ready to strike with rage! I can't deal with this constant denial for no reason that has me feeling incapable of anything! Even small achievements escape me and it is impossible to understand what the fuck you have planned for me when nothing is shown to me! I'm waiting ………………………………

Kiss and Tell

The old foundations of romance and intimacy are fast eroding to a new and destructive concept of boastful sex. These days it seems so much easier to speak loudly and proudly of how many women or men someone has been with rather than focus that time and energy towards building a healthy and stable home.

This new age thinking is derived mainly from the rebellion ages of the 70s and 80s where freedom of sexuality was incorrectly perceived as the freedom of promiscuity. The old borders of tact and control gave way to a new and bold open expression that set the stage for the demise of society. No one was ready for these newfound freedoms and psychologically it let loose an epidemic of inhibitions that led to insane social taboos each year outdoing the last for innovation, recklessness, obscenity and turbulence. Daredevils they became upping the ante every chance they got, from multiple partners to multiple partners in bed all at the same time. Homes were invaded by a generation free to experiment with their bodies unchecked and so they did it all, from drugs to multiple orgies to bdsm and the list goes on. The human body began to be pushed to new extremes with new devices and fetishes being revealed and made public. These revelations have led to indiscriminately unleashed lust and an abuse of new found knowledge and daring that have beyond noticeably shaken the once formal public facet. Interestingly enough all of these seemingly new detached sexual escapades have been secretly running underground for years, from J Edgar Hoover's secret  boyfriend to discreet infidelity acts once shunned by the elders publicly but murmured around in circles of the in the know.

The question begs, was it only a matter of time before the pressures of secrecy caused a massive cave in and give rise to the rebels? Well bear in mind these same rebels tore down the Berlin wall, ended the cold war, gave rise to retail riches, reinvented the art of music repeatedly and single handedly revolutionized the ideas of Hollywood and the now mighty Bollywood and nollywood. Personally having examined this aspect of it, I do not believe humanity still understands the destructive power of desire. For years we have gotten it wrong and in many mythologies it has been the downfall of many empires, from the storied city of Troy to the hallowed halls of the palace of king Solomon the wise.

To me desire is just a temporary burst of passion that ought not to be a decision making factor. I do not believe in one night sexcapades nor do I believe in allowing lust to overwhelm my decision making process. These bursts of emotions are blinding and lead to many a ruined home and failed expectation and sadly many a broken heart. Learn the difference people, desire and lust do not equate love. Never have and never will, Delilah killed Sampson with desire, Troy fell because of lust and many a great man has been ruined because of unbridled hormones. Learn those lessons!!

Ashes to Ashes

Quiet nights these eyes often seek, a peaceful soul you yearn to keep. Birthed in humility, raised in country bliss, an untamed spirit got planted in the depths of conformity and acceptance. Forced to sacrifice joy for semblance of sanity, many nights the tears soak pillows and sheets, weep after weep, week after week, no escape seems in sight for me.

I wonder daily how these two footed robots fail to feel, fail to imagine, fail to dream. They go about their routine with mechanical ease, drowning in routine and constant monotony. There was a time I could look at the skies and feel the winds of tomorrow clearing the clouds so I can see the stars, each star I wished on and prayed that I would see double the days that I counted. For a while there was bliss, for a while nothing hissed, for a while there was nothing but the Caribbean breeze under the shade of a broad palm leaf.

Concrete is the box I call home, even the mosquitoes are afraid of this desolation. The iron and glass prisons offer no magnificence to even gently tickle my imagination. My chains are heavy, my tears are plenty, my cries deafeningly silent as the master whips his slave calling me to work on this godforsaken plantation. No longer do the winds of tomorrow show me the stars to count my days, they don't even dance on my hair and cheeks and ask me to play.

Someday I will be free, someday I will smile with glee, someday I will walk amongst the playful winds of tomorrow's bright promise. And as each night falls and the burning pains of the day pass away, quietly I fall on my knees and pray, father don't forget me, you promised me that you will always protect me! You promised me that you will never leave me, you promised me that you will always be close to my heart so please don't leave me! This place is so scary and I feel so alone, even a hug from you will light my dimming eyes up just one more time so I can dream of a tropical sunrise where I can truly be ashes to ashes, servant to servant, angel to angel.

Society truths

Sometimes I meet people and I try my best to understand who they are as individuals but it ends up back firing. I always find with those people they're very distrusting of themselves due to their inability to properly mask their insecurities. Some go so far as to hide behind ideals and concepts as a fortress of justification in the name of covering their very exposed weaknesses.

Well to you people I can only say that not only do I see you but the world sees you. We all see how childish and petty you are, we all see your frailties, your fears, your tears, we see the nightmares and we see that you caused them all. A connection with someone is based on communication but if you refuse to share in that communication then who gonna take you seriously?? Without that communication no one will know what you really have to offer because no one will waste time attempting to see past all your very visible flaws in the name of interest alone. All that leaves is your vessel which in itself isn't a coveted prize because there's no substance in the vessel to be seen. Then you turn and complain that you been used and abused by the world and that its so cold and cruel but what have you done about it? Where in the equation did you set the standard for who you are and what you expect? Don't you know that how you interact with others shows the standard you're willing to accept? So if there is no standard then how can you claim to want any?

Something people do not realize, when you try to build a fortress to shield yourself away from the world you actually expose all your precious secrets because they're only cages that we can see right through so no one is interested in helping them get free of their master. That's the equivalent of bleeding from the stomach but covering it with a sheet and saying you're not in distress. Well when the world doesn't want to help you don't say it's the world's fault, man up, be honest and confess that you yourself are to blame with your cowardly spineless ways. The fighting spirit of humanity is most definitely lacking in the likes of you. Thankfully just like a cockroach if you threaten to step on it alone you too will runaway from anyone looking like they coming to stamp out your pains because you're too busy holding on to them. #patheticinfidels

Fact or Theory

It's a struggle today being a parent, children are exposed to more and more to concepts and follies far above their developing intellect. Society demands that children grow up faster and develop adult minds early in their teen years. From the images on the television to the mainstream music played on radios, the subliminal messages are everywhere and in overwhelming amounts! Even as adults we are pressured to quickly understand and manage the all the new information that is supposedly based on facts developed by scientists who have spent years proving their theories. Here's the problem, most humans are not aware that science of any nature isn't concrete facts. Its actually a study of observations and emotional thought to prove them as a basis for facts. For example, behavioural sciences are meant to study the complexities of the human mind by making a map print of similar traits and/or patterns in human behaviour to then develop a hypothesis based on that pattern which people now take as facts! Anatomical science is the study of living bodies to identify the functions and purpose of each part in depth to provide q base platform for healing and development. Here's the problem, this to is a bunch of hypotheses and theories as the human body has continued to baffle the logic of scientists with its seemingly limitless capabilities as more and more people are stepping forward with what is called "unique abilities". Science is not fact! It is not concrete evidence of anything and therefore does not constitute as a valid source of information to ingest. I'm not here to disprove the accomplishments of science, even the very phone I'm using to print this message is based on science. What I am saying is that people need to learn to identify correct sources of information before running around quoting everything and everyone!

Also to bear in mind is our evolutionary process as human beings. Everyday new information is revealed and foundations are shifted because of it. However we ought to note that these foundations aren't sturdy to begin with, like the concept of the beginning of life by science and their big bang theory or the sudden disappearance of dinosaurs by some great meteor! All wild imaginary ideas even a child could drum up but yet to be proven!! The religious folks will think they have won in that all their evidence is proven. Well I have news for you morons too, your teachings are not only shaky but greatly manipulated by the inaccurate interpretations of man! Your no different to the scientists who you  wage war against!! I remember a pastor saying that one cannot achieve growth without planting a seed, all well and good but what is this seed? His interpretation? Money!! Here's the problem, yes it is true that by logic no plant can grow without a seed but to say that seed is money alone and that if you give more money then you shall receive more blessings is folly!! Seed is a source and therefore is not limited to money you greedy ass dumb fuck! How is it I can pass crucial exams by giving you more money? How can I get that job by giving you more money? How can I acquire a loan by giving you more money? Money is not seed!! I can only speak

Ode to You

I think long and hard about you many days, wondering who you are and when I will meet you. There have been many illusions before and to be honest I'm unsure I'm still ready to meet you but I'm pushing harder to be ready.

This world is a dark place however and sadly it's getting darker by the day as evil grows and heroes fall with their lights fading away one by one. I still pray that I will meet you one day and we can have a life together in what may not be the ideal paradise but we can make it one. Our lights can shine brightly together paving the way for what will be a glorious rainbow shining over the horizon. I'm not sure what you will look like or what I'm gonna meet you with but I will try my best with all that I have to be the man you imagined me to be. You may be older or you may be younger or you may even be from my past, whoever you are I look forward to meeting you someday. Life is actually very beautiful when you remove the dramatic and unproductive as well as the discontented and agitating. I've seen what a sample of harmony is in a true relationship and I won't lie, it is amazing to say the least! Many days I've spent in bliss wondering what happiness awaits next, and truthfully it has been some of the simplest things that brought me so much joy, such as random hugs, unexpected compliments and spur of the moment kisses. Might seem silly but to me these things make so much sense, it brings me much comfort and joy and I hope that it brings you the same feelings for I have many to give.

Maybe I'm hoping for too much or maybe I'm stuck in a hopeless fantasy, these are things the world would like me to believe but I've never been a man of the world nor a fan of it's ideals. I believe in unrestricted love, unconditional passion and above all else blind love! I don't ever believe that anything ought to be held back between true friends because I believe lovers are true friends and true friends have an inseparable bond. The security of that bond is a feeling I cannot even begin to describe, I've experienced it and the thrill of such affection was enough to send me wild. Made me do lots of things that to this day I have never replicated!! Sad is the day I had to give up such connections but I can tell you I know what they feel like and I know I'm willing to make that connection once again. I hope our bond is even stronger than those from before, I pray that our friendship is even more enjoyable than those before, I dream daily that our trust is even greater than those before. Neither of us are perfect but that's what learning is about, to teach us how to be beautifully perfect for each other in peaceful bliss.

Someday we'll meet, someday we'll greet but until that day I'll be faithfully waiting for you, because even now I already know nothing compares to your heavenly blessing…………………………………