Sorrows

I know it's my fault when things don't go right but it's so often now that even when things seem ready to fall into place they don't. I feel very pessimistic about life as I get older, I feel unfulfilled and underachieving, I'm not sleeping because I'm not happy with my life. After all the disappointments and constant failures I know I have myself to blame but what more is there? Why can't I take the steps necessary to achieve what I want? Lord knows I've been searching for months and years keeping up a charade in the meantime to pretend as if I've done it all when in fact I haven't even started yet. Nothing goes my way and anything good to come is all an illusion at the moment. It seems good but it really isn't and now I find myself stuck and unable to move.

It saddens me daily that this is what I call life, plenty ambition but no means to achieve it and no support to push on. Everybody expects me to be this big strong superhero but I'm so fragile and feel so weak and useless, I feel as if nothing will ever go right for me no matter what I do it seems I'm just destined to be stuck in a rut. The darkness I see more and more of has me feeling depressed and disabled, I have no hope of being anything but stuck under the thumb of others and it bothers me. Maybe it's because I'm home I haven't achieved anything, but why is it so hard? Why do I forever have to not have while everybody else can go out and get theirs? No matter how I turn I just cannot seem to get past this limiting barrier and it is frustrating me! Stuck at the same level for more than a decade and it seems no matter how I try I just cannot escape!!! Where am I going wrong lord? What am I not doing that I just cannot seem to not have to rely on these abusive people I'm surrounded by? What lesson do I have to learn to finally have my own? Something as simple as purchasing a car seems like scaling the cosmos on foot!! Why?? Why are these basic things so hard? Why am I forever having these doors closed and being banned from moving forward? Just this little step I cannot achieve? This one thing I wanted and by every turn I'm denied again and again no matter which road I walk? I'm broke and left with nothing, I was humble and then attacked only to now be persecuted and hunted! If I only strike back then all of a sudden I'm the greatest evil ever! Lord you know the thoughts that persist in my mind, you see the darkness that is my heart. As time wears on I love less and less and I begin to feel more and more hate towards all that exists. I cannot fathom why you don't open doors for me or why I'm always left in the shade and denied any opportunity to advance but it is at the point where I am sick and fucking tired of it all!! Even now as I type this I see my phone giving me a hard time and it is this shit I cannot stand!! Why is everything for me such a fucking issue? Even to type now is a problem? How is it when I'm not doing anything related to my growth I don't see these headaches? Am I really just meant to be a waste and nothing more? Cannot have children cannot even get a car and all of this negativity for what? While those who I help go further and I'm just stuck here unable to move?

I will be awaiting your answers lord, patiently awaiting because none of this makes any sense to me whatsoever. I know your timing is different to mine but know that I'm at my wits end and ready to strike with rage! I can't deal with this constant denial for no reason that has me feeling incapable of anything! Even small achievements escape me and it is impossible to understand what the fuck you have planned for me when nothing is shown to me! I'm waiting ………………………………