Sorrows

I know it's my fault when things don't go right but it's so often now that even when things seem ready to fall into place they don't. I feel very pessimistic about life as I get older, I feel unfulfilled and underachieving, I'm not sleeping because I'm not happy with my life. After all the disappointments and constant failures I know I have myself to blame but what more is there? Why can't I take the steps necessary to achieve what I want? Lord knows I've been searching for months and years keeping up a charade in the meantime to pretend as if I've done it all when in fact I haven't even started yet. Nothing goes my way and anything good to come is all an illusion at the moment. It seems good but it really isn't and now I find myself stuck and unable to move.

It saddens me daily that this is what I call life, plenty ambition but no means to achieve it and no support to push on. Everybody expects me to be this big strong superhero but I'm so fragile and feel so weak and useless, I feel as if nothing will ever go right for me no matter what I do it seems I'm just destined to be stuck in a rut. The darkness I see more and more of has me feeling depressed and disabled, I have no hope of being anything but stuck under the thumb of others and it bothers me. Maybe it's because I'm home I haven't achieved anything, but why is it so hard? Why do I forever have to not have while everybody else can go out and get theirs? No matter how I turn I just cannot seem to get past this limiting barrier and it is frustrating me! Stuck at the same level for more than a decade and it seems no matter how I try I just cannot escape!!! Where am I going wrong lord? What am I not doing that I just cannot seem to not have to rely on these abusive people I'm surrounded by? What lesson do I have to learn to finally have my own? Something as simple as purchasing a car seems like scaling the cosmos on foot!! Why?? Why are these basic things so hard? Why am I forever having these doors closed and being banned from moving forward? Just this little step I cannot achieve? This one thing I wanted and by every turn I'm denied again and again no matter which road I walk? I'm broke and left with nothing, I was humble and then attacked only to now be persecuted and hunted! If I only strike back then all of a sudden I'm the greatest evil ever! Lord you know the thoughts that persist in my mind, you see the darkness that is my heart. As time wears on I love less and less and I begin to feel more and more hate towards all that exists. I cannot fathom why you don't open doors for me or why I'm always left in the shade and denied any opportunity to advance but it is at the point where I am sick and fucking tired of it all!! Even now as I type this I see my phone giving me a hard time and it is this shit I cannot stand!! Why is everything for me such a fucking issue? Even to type now is a problem? How is it when I'm not doing anything related to my growth I don't see these headaches? Am I really just meant to be a waste and nothing more? Cannot have children cannot even get a car and all of this negativity for what? While those who I help go further and I'm just stuck here unable to move?

I will be awaiting your answers lord, patiently awaiting because none of this makes any sense to me whatsoever. I know your timing is different to mine but know that I'm at my wits end and ready to strike with rage! I can't deal with this constant denial for no reason that has me feeling incapable of anything! Even small achievements escape me and it is impossible to understand what the fuck you have planned for me when nothing is shown to me! I'm waiting ………………………………

Kiss and Tell

The old foundations of romance and intimacy are fast eroding to a new and destructive concept of boastful sex. These days it seems so much easier to speak loudly and proudly of how many women or men someone has been with rather than focus that time and energy towards building a healthy and stable home.

This new age thinking is derived mainly from the rebellion ages of the 70s and 80s where freedom of sexuality was incorrectly perceived as the freedom of promiscuity. The old borders of tact and control gave way to a new and bold open expression that set the stage for the demise of society. No one was ready for these newfound freedoms and psychologically it let loose an epidemic of inhibitions that led to insane social taboos each year outdoing the last for innovation, recklessness, obscenity and turbulence. Daredevils they became upping the ante every chance they got, from multiple partners to multiple partners in bed all at the same time. Homes were invaded by a generation free to experiment with their bodies unchecked and so they did it all, from drugs to multiple orgies to bdsm and the list goes on. The human body began to be pushed to new extremes with new devices and fetishes being revealed and made public. These revelations have led to indiscriminately unleashed lust and an abuse of new found knowledge and daring that have beyond noticeably shaken the once formal public facet. Interestingly enough all of these seemingly new detached sexual escapades have been secretly running underground for years, from J Edgar Hoover's secret  boyfriend to discreet infidelity acts once shunned by the elders publicly but murmured around in circles of the in the know.

The question begs, was it only a matter of time before the pressures of secrecy caused a massive cave in and give rise to the rebels? Well bear in mind these same rebels tore down the Berlin wall, ended the cold war, gave rise to retail riches, reinvented the art of music repeatedly and single handedly revolutionized the ideas of Hollywood and the now mighty Bollywood and nollywood. Personally having examined this aspect of it, I do not believe humanity still understands the destructive power of desire. For years we have gotten it wrong and in many mythologies it has been the downfall of many empires, from the storied city of Troy to the hallowed halls of the palace of king Solomon the wise.

To me desire is just a temporary burst of passion that ought not to be a decision making factor. I do not believe in one night sexcapades nor do I believe in allowing lust to overwhelm my decision making process. These bursts of emotions are blinding and lead to many a ruined home and failed expectation and sadly many a broken heart. Learn the difference people, desire and lust do not equate love. Never have and never will, Delilah killed Sampson with desire, Troy fell because of lust and many a great man has been ruined because of unbridled hormones. Learn those lessons!!

Ashes to Ashes

Quiet nights these eyes often seek, a peaceful soul you yearn to keep. Birthed in humility, raised in country bliss, an untamed spirit got planted in the depths of conformity and acceptance. Forced to sacrifice joy for semblance of sanity, many nights the tears soak pillows and sheets, weep after weep, week after week, no escape seems in sight for me.

I wonder daily how these two footed robots fail to feel, fail to imagine, fail to dream. They go about their routine with mechanical ease, drowning in routine and constant monotony. There was a time I could look at the skies and feel the winds of tomorrow clearing the clouds so I can see the stars, each star I wished on and prayed that I would see double the days that I counted. For a while there was bliss, for a while nothing hissed, for a while there was nothing but the Caribbean breeze under the shade of a broad palm leaf.

Concrete is the box I call home, even the mosquitoes are afraid of this desolation. The iron and glass prisons offer no magnificence to even gently tickle my imagination. My chains are heavy, my tears are plenty, my cries deafeningly silent as the master whips his slave calling me to work on this godforsaken plantation. No longer do the winds of tomorrow show me the stars to count my days, they don't even dance on my hair and cheeks and ask me to play.

Someday I will be free, someday I will smile with glee, someday I will walk amongst the playful winds of tomorrow's bright promise. And as each night falls and the burning pains of the day pass away, quietly I fall on my knees and pray, father don't forget me, you promised me that you will always protect me! You promised me that you will never leave me, you promised me that you will always be close to my heart so please don't leave me! This place is so scary and I feel so alone, even a hug from you will light my dimming eyes up just one more time so I can dream of a tropical sunrise where I can truly be ashes to ashes, servant to servant, angel to angel.

Society truths

Sometimes I meet people and I try my best to understand who they are as individuals but it ends up back firing. I always find with those people they're very distrusting of themselves due to their inability to properly mask their insecurities. Some go so far as to hide behind ideals and concepts as a fortress of justification in the name of covering their very exposed weaknesses.

Well to you people I can only say that not only do I see you but the world sees you. We all see how childish and petty you are, we all see your frailties, your fears, your tears, we see the nightmares and we see that you caused them all. A connection with someone is based on communication but if you refuse to share in that communication then who gonna take you seriously?? Without that communication no one will know what you really have to offer because no one will waste time attempting to see past all your very visible flaws in the name of interest alone. All that leaves is your vessel which in itself isn't a coveted prize because there's no substance in the vessel to be seen. Then you turn and complain that you been used and abused by the world and that its so cold and cruel but what have you done about it? Where in the equation did you set the standard for who you are and what you expect? Don't you know that how you interact with others shows the standard you're willing to accept? So if there is no standard then how can you claim to want any?

Something people do not realize, when you try to build a fortress to shield yourself away from the world you actually expose all your precious secrets because they're only cages that we can see right through so no one is interested in helping them get free of their master. That's the equivalent of bleeding from the stomach but covering it with a sheet and saying you're not in distress. Well when the world doesn't want to help you don't say it's the world's fault, man up, be honest and confess that you yourself are to blame with your cowardly spineless ways. The fighting spirit of humanity is most definitely lacking in the likes of you. Thankfully just like a cockroach if you threaten to step on it alone you too will runaway from anyone looking like they coming to stamp out your pains because you're too busy holding on to them. #patheticinfidels

Fact or Theory

It's a struggle today being a parent, children are exposed to more and more to concepts and follies far above their developing intellect. Society demands that children grow up faster and develop adult minds early in their teen years. From the images on the television to the mainstream music played on radios, the subliminal messages are everywhere and in overwhelming amounts! Even as adults we are pressured to quickly understand and manage the all the new information that is supposedly based on facts developed by scientists who have spent years proving their theories. Here's the problem, most humans are not aware that science of any nature isn't concrete facts. Its actually a study of observations and emotional thought to prove them as a basis for facts. For example, behavioural sciences are meant to study the complexities of the human mind by making a map print of similar traits and/or patterns in human behaviour to then develop a hypothesis based on that pattern which people now take as facts! Anatomical science is the study of living bodies to identify the functions and purpose of each part in depth to provide q base platform for healing and development. Here's the problem, this to is a bunch of hypotheses and theories as the human body has continued to baffle the logic of scientists with its seemingly limitless capabilities as more and more people are stepping forward with what is called "unique abilities". Science is not fact! It is not concrete evidence of anything and therefore does not constitute as a valid source of information to ingest. I'm not here to disprove the accomplishments of science, even the very phone I'm using to print this message is based on science. What I am saying is that people need to learn to identify correct sources of information before running around quoting everything and everyone!

Also to bear in mind is our evolutionary process as human beings. Everyday new information is revealed and foundations are shifted because of it. However we ought to note that these foundations aren't sturdy to begin with, like the concept of the beginning of life by science and their big bang theory or the sudden disappearance of dinosaurs by some great meteor! All wild imaginary ideas even a child could drum up but yet to be proven!! The religious folks will think they have won in that all their evidence is proven. Well I have news for you morons too, your teachings are not only shaky but greatly manipulated by the inaccurate interpretations of man! Your no different to the scientists who you  wage war against!! I remember a pastor saying that one cannot achieve growth without planting a seed, all well and good but what is this seed? His interpretation? Money!! Here's the problem, yes it is true that by logic no plant can grow without a seed but to say that seed is money alone and that if you give more money then you shall receive more blessings is folly!! Seed is a source and therefore is not limited to money you greedy ass dumb fuck! How is it I can pass crucial exams by giving you more money? How can I get that job by giving you more money? How can I acquire a loan by giving you more money? Money is not seed!! I can only speak

Ode to You

I think long and hard about you many days, wondering who you are and when I will meet you. There have been many illusions before and to be honest I'm unsure I'm still ready to meet you but I'm pushing harder to be ready.

This world is a dark place however and sadly it's getting darker by the day as evil grows and heroes fall with their lights fading away one by one. I still pray that I will meet you one day and we can have a life together in what may not be the ideal paradise but we can make it one. Our lights can shine brightly together paving the way for what will be a glorious rainbow shining over the horizon. I'm not sure what you will look like or what I'm gonna meet you with but I will try my best with all that I have to be the man you imagined me to be. You may be older or you may be younger or you may even be from my past, whoever you are I look forward to meeting you someday. Life is actually very beautiful when you remove the dramatic and unproductive as well as the discontented and agitating. I've seen what a sample of harmony is in a true relationship and I won't lie, it is amazing to say the least! Many days I've spent in bliss wondering what happiness awaits next, and truthfully it has been some of the simplest things that brought me so much joy, such as random hugs, unexpected compliments and spur of the moment kisses. Might seem silly but to me these things make so much sense, it brings me much comfort and joy and I hope that it brings you the same feelings for I have many to give.

Maybe I'm hoping for too much or maybe I'm stuck in a hopeless fantasy, these are things the world would like me to believe but I've never been a man of the world nor a fan of it's ideals. I believe in unrestricted love, unconditional passion and above all else blind love! I don't ever believe that anything ought to be held back between true friends because I believe lovers are true friends and true friends have an inseparable bond. The security of that bond is a feeling I cannot even begin to describe, I've experienced it and the thrill of such affection was enough to send me wild. Made me do lots of things that to this day I have never replicated!! Sad is the day I had to give up such connections but I can tell you I know what they feel like and I know I'm willing to make that connection once again. I hope our bond is even stronger than those from before, I pray that our friendship is even more enjoyable than those before, I dream daily that our trust is even greater than those before. Neither of us are perfect but that's what learning is about, to teach us how to be beautifully perfect for each other in peaceful bliss.

Someday we'll meet, someday we'll greet but until that day I'll be faithfully waiting for you, because even now I already know nothing compares to your heavenly blessing…………………………………

Swords of Revealing Light

Revelations are those which most of us don't understand until it's too late. For me I see them as answers awaiting arrival at the right time and for the right reasons from almighty God Jehovah! In all my days nothing has been truer as time and time again he has shown why his ways are higher than my ways. He has revealed the truths about situations I've been in, people I've kept around me and the lifestyle I was living. Most importantly he has shown me truths about myself, the life I'm supposed to live and the ideals I ought to put forward as my image.

Too often I become entangled in the images I see and not the image I ought to show. In this world of excess and overindulgence, it's far too easy for the mind to be tempted and the heart to be grieved. This is a world of plentiful and even though suffering exists everywhere it's actually restrained to a select few. As a man living amongst this planet of apes, I have been tempted to become an ape, behave like an ape, suffer like an ape but yet still look like a man. If you're not following think of how humanly apes look yet still we know them as beasts and not human beings and now you begin to see the derelict of confusion that is the modern world. My strength is in my god given ability to blend without succumbing, I can be in the world without being of the world. Easily I adapt and see the strengths and weaknesses of human overindulgence, the struggles of poor planning and the destruction that is caused by pride and arrogance. Sadly though adaptation removes me from the mirror I ought to be looking at regularly to ensure I develop and reinforce my own weaknesses and build my strengths. I recently glanced in that mirror and realized despite how far I have come I have much further to go. My pride is the fuel of my overconfidence which blinds me from avoiding the trip holes I'm prone to falling into. Tunnel vision is a dangerous trait of mine and I'm yet to get out of this habit even though the consequences have time and time again proven detrimental to me. I realized it in one of those crude management training sessions my boss puts me through, I'm unable to look closer into the big picture and miss many details. I'm actually not sure how to deal with this as it plays into another blind spot of mine which is complacency. I'm the last to admit how very complacent and procrastinating I actually am and I think it's time I come to terms with these facts. Details do matter and without them I'm surely doomed and would fail to command the respect that I currently enjoy.

I do believe if more people spent time working on themselves and not make mischief in the world we might be living in a better life. After work and sleep I'm constantly preoccupied with analyzing myself for flaws in my system and I have found many. I'm yet to realize where this lack of motivation to exercise comes from, whether it's a natural dislike for exercise or if I'm just that lazy or something traumatic that maybe on the top of my mind. It always amazes me that I can easily identify flaws and solutions to those flaws but can't formulate even a hypothesis to my own shortcomings. It's more or less the saying of seeing a splinter of the eyes of another via the the big piece of wood in my own eyes. Never thought I would own up to being like those I so criticized of such traits, the reality I'd though that it's far easier to study and identify a subject rather than be the subject for the simple reason that it takes much longer to see past your blind spot. Much like driving a car, there are certain points on the vehicle that the driver simply cannot see past unless they're the passenger. Even as the passenger though its still your vehicle so only someone on the outside can see what's really going on with your driving but that outside person can only guesstimate any issues or problems with your vehicle by listening for familiar noises or signs but only you can really check your car to see what the source of the issue is.

Clarity is a strange thing, as I write this I realize even for myself that I was right to start being more open with others. That openness can save my life from a perilous wreck if I'm not grown enough to realize that an experienced mechanic is needed on my side to survive this road to life. Yes its true that some people seem like experts when in truth and fact they're only there to derail your efforts by misleading you about what the issue with your life car really is. At the end of the day only you can really check and find the source of any malfunctions in your life car.