Deja vu

It's funny how life throws you in a circle to teach lessons, things that constantly happen because you never learned how to deal with it in the first place. The thing is though, learning to learn lessons is the first step, so until you learn how to learn a lesson and to be able to see the lesson that you're supposed to learn, you can't go anywhere. How sad it is that in order for us to progress truly in life we must learn how to learn.

Deja vu is considered by many to be an experience that took place before it actually happened. While that definition puts it in the bracket of a premonition, it's quite different. It's where a situation so closely resembles another, it feels like you're walking through the exact same path as in a previous experience. This situation only develops when you haven't learned your lessons. Currently I'm in such a situation, where I find myself repeating an exact course I took several moons ago. I find myself making the exact same decisions for the same reasons, with the same risks and the same consequences. If I ever wondered what deja vu really felt like, I'm living it. The question is though, what am I really supposed to learn from all of this? I realize that the way things are right now is not working in my best interest and is actually setting me on a very similar path to destruction in life. Seeing something like that is not an easy thing to face, to be honest it's down right scary and haunts me nearly every night like a recurring nightmare. Try as I might to deny that the drama is real, I know that one day I'll have to face it head on, but for now I'm not sure how to or what i'm even facing! Let me come right out and be honest, I'm thinking of what to do with my current relationship. As always things started off all happy and merry with dreams of a two storey house with a white picket fence and two dogs, but as I've learnt in life, dreams only come true with prayer and diligence, commitment and evolution and most of all compromise. Honestly speaking, most of these factors are missing from this relationship as it stands and I'm deciding if to continue to fight and try to save it just like last time or if to cut my losses short and keep moving. Past experience has taught me that when faced with these situations, it's best to keep moving and not worry about any other factors.

Looking back is always risky as it sometimes blinds you from the blessings to come, but then again, not looking back is also detrimental as it prevents you from seeing the lessons to be learned. It takes you back to past pains and unwanted experiences that may discourage you from taking a new path due to past consequences. The core question then becomes, what is the lesson that you're supposed to learn? In my case that learning point is that in order to help myself and achieve my goals, sacrifices of tremendous proportions are required. I wanted to be a global traveller, an international soldier, but that requires that I have somebody who supports that dream. For years I've been forced to give up my own ambitions to settle for those of another, but I've never had my own dreams supported. I've often wondered how is it that people can say I'm there for you but only on my terms, and then try to convince you that they really are being there for me. It's completely frustrating to think that after all this struggle to get this far in life, I'd have to give it all up just to please some other individual who does not share my ideals. I often like to think that some where out there someone exists who understands my calling in life. My dreams and ambitions seem to be far above everyone I encounter and it's absolutely frustrating, after all these years I'm still encountering people who are limited in their thinking.

The hardest part to swallow is that I'm left confused and wondering if I made the right decision to follow my own path. History has shown that everytime I walk the path of another, the consequences are dire on my end, I'm left with nothing and the rebuilding process is excruciating by any stretch of the imagination. Admittedly it's a process that I've had to repeat for some years now and I'm feeling that it's part of the reason my life feels unfulfilled. The lifestyle that I'm capable of living and competent to achieve is hampered by my own unwillingness to follow through on my dreams and plans all for the sake of being with someone supposedly special. I've spent my lifetime thus far working to ensure that I do not repeat the mistakes of my parents and here it is I'm running into women who are asking me to do just that. How can you ask for a family life and have no foundation to support such? How can you meet me wanting to live above the average family but then ask me to remove that thinking and settle for less? I fully understand that some people aspire to an average lifestyle as it's comfortable for them, not too many responsibilities, a relatively secure income with an average paying job, but that's not me! It's unacceptable for me to refuse responsibility that comes with a big pay day. I've lived my life towards the big picture and I'm having great difficulty coping with excessive mediocrity and the people who try to make me be a part of it!!

As tough as it seems I must be able to move forward with or without you, if you really cared for me you would support my dreams as I've supported yours, i.e. without compromise and in your best interests. It's very unfair for anything less to be allowed and it's a shame that you of all people would even tolerate such slackness much less encourage me to be in it! It's so rotten to lie to people about most things in life, but when it comes to really important matters like life choices I have long ago drawn a big fat line there! Once I allowed a woman to get between me and my dreams and I'm still paying a heavy price for that, how can u now come and ask me to make the same decision that nearly ruined my life?? Have you so little consideration for my life that you would prefer to see me fall than see me soar? Is it so much what you want that it would kill you to support my own ambitions even for a second? Are you so consumed with what you know and you want that I'm only relevant when I have a different opinion? How dare you take it upon yourself to dictate where and how I should live because you think that my dreams are too lofty to achieve! If you want to be average then I strongly suggest you NOT include me in your plans because average was never me and it NEVER will be!!

I've really tried for you to understand what I'm about and unfortunately you tried to make me into who you wanted me to be, this isn't love of any kind but slavery to it's truest meaning. It's my own fault though because I really believed you loved me for me and led myself down this very said road I've been avoiding for so long. The old saying that others know your weaknesses better than you do is true, for you knew mine and you gave me deja vu.