For many years I have struggled with being different, I've been ridiculed and abused for my difference in opinions and mentality. I've been called many names but normal was never one of them, for comfort I drifted into my own world of thought where I understood me and my way of thinking, a world where people believed in principle and advanced thought. It's taken me quite sometime to get accustomed to being thought of as weird and looney, because i couldn't for the life of me understand why people didn't see my ideas for what they were, creative and full of hope. I admit that there are many times I'm not realistic and many of my ideas have not been well thought out because I get too excited with the ends and disregard the details of the means, but that's just me!! I think big because I have the ability to see connections that don't exist, I can create paths that were previously untrodden and few dare to even go. I understand that I'm a different kind of individual and the things that excite and motivate me are sometimes extremely different from society's norms.
I'll be the first to confess that there are things about me that if most people knew they would faint so i keep them to myself. It's also true that i've been forced to withdraw into a shell for many years for fear of being chastised for who I really am, but who can blame me? I've been told that so many people think I'm gay because of the way that I talk and my modus operandi. As disturbing as that was for me, it was even more hurtful that these people had these thoughts without even attempting to understand why I operate the way that I do. I'm a firm believer in second opinions as first impressions have proven to be tremendously flawed. My own life is a living example of this flaw as most people don't even know what to think of me on first impression and decide to make a randomly unsound profile of myself. This profile in their mind would consist of what they think of me based on frivolous things such as my near perfect english, my constant and seemingly fixed smile as well as my dress code! Now what kind of lunatic makes an assessment of people based on those things? How can you possibly determine a person's personality based on dress code, is society serious? If I'm insane for not following that trend then you may as well lock me away in an asylum and throw away the key! For as long as I can remember I've always suffered with an identity complex as to who I really am, attempts to fit in the popular crowd by conforming to their whims and fancies was hard enough, but that need was battling an equally powerful urge to denounce many practices of the crowd. In addition to that was the immense pressures of being a prodigy child, my brain although untrained was remarkably astute and detailed. The many elders who made up my early company had their own opinions as to how I should live my life, a complex mix of religion, experience and individual personality meant that each elder had a varied perspective on life and how I should live it in the days to come. These multiple pressures resulted in many sleepless nights and an inability to control my already rampaging temper as it was and to a certain extent still is my only source of venting and release from my stress. It also didn't help that I grew up poor, my family started with next to nothing and fought tooth and nail to get where we are today. Back then I had very little understanding of why we had to suffer so much, so many things that could have been are now not because of the limitations of our lifestyle, but we made do. The unfortunate part is that this lack of opportunity was also a source of ridicule as I was seen as a lesser being to those around me who apparently had families with unlimited resources so they were able to purchase whatever they needed.
In the years to come after my schooling, I would truly understand the limitations of my background, everything from job opportunities to social circles was affected. It made very little difference what I was able to do, only where I came from and who i was associated with to an extent. It amazed me to see people with half my ability and even less talent soar to elevated heights because they had a connect with some big shot family. That realisation shot my confidence even lower, as i struggled to comprehend how someone with so much potential like myself could struggle so hard and for so long. I had such big dreams for myself based on what i saw in me and what I hoped were ideas that i could realise in a relatively short space of time with some sacrifice and hard work!! The worst part was that in my moment to shine i felt like I really let myself down where I really had the opportunity to shine!!
The worst part of it all was realizing that the biggest obstacle to my progress looks me in the mirror every morning that i wake. After all the suffering and heartbreak for failures I never imagined, it's been tough to swallow that I've been my biggest mountain!! My own unwillingness to admit that I do have weaknesses and they needed to be addressed as the very reason that i didn't do as well as I'd hoped. How much I rue the day my own wisdom failed to warn me that I was capable of imploding, daily i question where was all my understanding when i really needed it to kick in and save me from myself?? For all my vision I wasn't able to see me drive myself off course!! It took more than four long years of suffering for me to realise that the biggest test I would have to face in life was me and all that came with me, the good, the bad and especially the ugly!! I have to admit coming down from my high horse was a heavy fall, the dismount alone was murder!!! It got worse from there as with rapid succession everything that I built on my old thoughts crumbled to pieces!! There was no stopping the speed as my entire world and all that I held dear would fade away like the blue sky in hurricane season. The fall didn't stop there though as ultimately I would learn that no matter how great I thought I was, god is so much greater and mightier than I could have ever imagined. He took apart everything that I built, destroyed my walls, my confidence, my pride, my will to fight, even my stubborn mind, and he did it in less than 6 months!!
Even after all this time I still feel the stings of that painful flood known as a reminder. The people around me who more than suffer daily, the lifestyle that I once lived that broke me into pieces, and especially the aloof behaviour that I now despise, it's tough to imagine that I once practiced that!! Human beings have been their own undoing since the first dummies disobeyed the father and caused the rest of us to suffer for generations!!
Let this be a guide to those who don't know, if you find yourself constantly stressed because life just doesn't seem what its supposed to be, then your being tested for a life that's even better in Christ!!
I'll be the first to confess that there are things about me that if most people knew they would faint so i keep them to myself. It's also true that i've been forced to withdraw into a shell for many years for fear of being chastised for who I really am, but who can blame me? I've been told that so many people think I'm gay because of the way that I talk and my modus operandi. As disturbing as that was for me, it was even more hurtful that these people had these thoughts without even attempting to understand why I operate the way that I do. I'm a firm believer in second opinions as first impressions have proven to be tremendously flawed. My own life is a living example of this flaw as most people don't even know what to think of me on first impression and decide to make a randomly unsound profile of myself. This profile in their mind would consist of what they think of me based on frivolous things such as my near perfect english, my constant and seemingly fixed smile as well as my dress code! Now what kind of lunatic makes an assessment of people based on those things? How can you possibly determine a person's personality based on dress code, is society serious? If I'm insane for not following that trend then you may as well lock me away in an asylum and throw away the key! For as long as I can remember I've always suffered with an identity complex as to who I really am, attempts to fit in the popular crowd by conforming to their whims and fancies was hard enough, but that need was battling an equally powerful urge to denounce many practices of the crowd. In addition to that was the immense pressures of being a prodigy child, my brain although untrained was remarkably astute and detailed. The many elders who made up my early company had their own opinions as to how I should live my life, a complex mix of religion, experience and individual personality meant that each elder had a varied perspective on life and how I should live it in the days to come. These multiple pressures resulted in many sleepless nights and an inability to control my already rampaging temper as it was and to a certain extent still is my only source of venting and release from my stress. It also didn't help that I grew up poor, my family started with next to nothing and fought tooth and nail to get where we are today. Back then I had very little understanding of why we had to suffer so much, so many things that could have been are now not because of the limitations of our lifestyle, but we made do. The unfortunate part is that this lack of opportunity was also a source of ridicule as I was seen as a lesser being to those around me who apparently had families with unlimited resources so they were able to purchase whatever they needed.
In the years to come after my schooling, I would truly understand the limitations of my background, everything from job opportunities to social circles was affected. It made very little difference what I was able to do, only where I came from and who i was associated with to an extent. It amazed me to see people with half my ability and even less talent soar to elevated heights because they had a connect with some big shot family. That realisation shot my confidence even lower, as i struggled to comprehend how someone with so much potential like myself could struggle so hard and for so long. I had such big dreams for myself based on what i saw in me and what I hoped were ideas that i could realise in a relatively short space of time with some sacrifice and hard work!! The worst part was that in my moment to shine i felt like I really let myself down where I really had the opportunity to shine!!
The worst part of it all was realizing that the biggest obstacle to my progress looks me in the mirror every morning that i wake. After all the suffering and heartbreak for failures I never imagined, it's been tough to swallow that I've been my biggest mountain!! My own unwillingness to admit that I do have weaknesses and they needed to be addressed as the very reason that i didn't do as well as I'd hoped. How much I rue the day my own wisdom failed to warn me that I was capable of imploding, daily i question where was all my understanding when i really needed it to kick in and save me from myself?? For all my vision I wasn't able to see me drive myself off course!! It took more than four long years of suffering for me to realise that the biggest test I would have to face in life was me and all that came with me, the good, the bad and especially the ugly!! I have to admit coming down from my high horse was a heavy fall, the dismount alone was murder!!! It got worse from there as with rapid succession everything that I built on my old thoughts crumbled to pieces!! There was no stopping the speed as my entire world and all that I held dear would fade away like the blue sky in hurricane season. The fall didn't stop there though as ultimately I would learn that no matter how great I thought I was, god is so much greater and mightier than I could have ever imagined. He took apart everything that I built, destroyed my walls, my confidence, my pride, my will to fight, even my stubborn mind, and he did it in less than 6 months!!
Even after all this time I still feel the stings of that painful flood known as a reminder. The people around me who more than suffer daily, the lifestyle that I once lived that broke me into pieces, and especially the aloof behaviour that I now despise, it's tough to imagine that I once practiced that!! Human beings have been their own undoing since the first dummies disobeyed the father and caused the rest of us to suffer for generations!!
Let this be a guide to those who don't know, if you find yourself constantly stressed because life just doesn't seem what its supposed to be, then your being tested for a life that's even better in Christ!!
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