Modified

So I'm back here again, reunited with you my friend, a lot has happened these last few months, time to update and keep it moving. This year I finally ad the courage to let go of an amalgamated, I know that department is my baby but thats a lie I've been telling myself for too long now. Had I put that much effort into starting my own business, I'd probably be richer than the Syrian himself! Well that leads me to update #2, I did start a business or rather I walked into one with an old friend of mine, the start is shaky but we're getting wiser everyday and learning more. First lesson we learned is to hold on to our good clients and treat them well, we won't be anywhere without them and I need to remember that all the way on this ride.
It's not been smooth sailing but Im taking the bumps as I go along, got plenty to sacrifice but hopefully in the end the rewards will be worth it. Some of my old demons are back too, still have ex girlfriends and this crazy chic who I let trick me into being around this child til now she constantly uses the child to be near me. Tonight I told her off but she won't stop so maybe I need to disappoint her with some limp dick and hope it works like it worked on the rest. Other than that it's not been too bad, I'm still suspicious of this new girl Natasha because I'm beginning to think this is Tanisha all over again and it's bothering me. She is nice and nice to look at but she's not struck me as somebody I ought to invest all that time with, maybe I'm being paranoid and maybe I should give her a chance to show she's more than what I'm seeing but when has that ever worked? Have to look at her eyes to see what exactly she hiding so much that she needs to distract me with all these things, that is my main focus with her right now. I know what it's like to hide parts of me and I know those parts are often deal breakers but luckily for me she's not been paying attention and I guess after I meet her we'll see what she really hiding. Did I mention she's from Barbados???
Pondering to get up and exercise as my blood is getting cold and I think I will, I've got the time and I do need to be outdoors so let's get to that. Only thing keeping me back is me because my mind says it's a great time to be outside. Well farewell for now, time to go walk and maybe hunt some pokemon.

Seeing Stars

Seems there's alot on my mind these days, the more I think about it the worst it gets, the struggle with the mind games people play is more than I can handle. It's to the point that now I'm feeling inadequate to even be on the same planet as these crazies. Maybe I ought to have a sham relationship with a lesbian and leave it as is, at least that way I'll know where I stand and not be at risk to unnecessary pain and torment. Marriage means nothing to society, infidelity is the new fame, there's a trophy count for how may heads you can scalp in the bedroom and they're very proud to say their numbers are high. I don't belong with these people, their thinking is below my reach, their ideals are corrupted at best with enough torment to make saints give up their holy ways. These do indeed reek of the last days with even the church being infiltrated by the shenanigans of a cruel world. It's so bad such things as manners and courtesy are seen as hints of sexual flirtation, can't even say good morning without being bludgeoned with eyes of wrath or an insincere wave off.
The worst part about all this is that people now look to exploit my good nature, the more they say they won't is the more they do. Last night a so called friend asked me for $1500 to go make a purchase while she shipped out her husband and moved in the   outside man. Neither of these guys could give you the money you need? You having sex with both but I'm your pocket crutch?? No eh! It never has and will never be that way, one day I will stop believe your fake words and move past you again because I realize that your at the point where I'm now a convenience again. Interesting how that works but thankfully I'm not falling for it, in a time not so far back I would have been yearning for your attention but not when I know better and am doing better. I see the games you play and I see how you try to manipulate me into giving up my bricks to build your shaky house. I won't fall for it and you will not ever trap me like that again, pseudo friendship is worst than true enemies, I prefer the enemy who is honest enough to let me know we are energy.it's than the spy who uses guile and deceit to fabricate a friendship that's really a convenience.
I've seen u all, I've seen u all try hard to derail me and I will not be led off course. If I have to stay in the shadow of my own home to keep away from you people I will and that will give me the peace I need.
One day I'll look back on this stage and wonder how I ever let you bother me this much, but I'll always remember that it was the false friend and not the enemy who wanted to see me never do better

Trapped in Prison

Oh wow, here we go with the untrustworthy people again, the games people play with the emotions of others are the reason why the world is not enough. I've felt the brunt of this before, an affair that caused my life to end, turned my world upside down and made me into a tormented man. I get that your marriage wasnt the best, not sure what marriage is but you cheat on a man you took vows to honour and protect, to defend and love, to uphold in sickness and health, you violated those vows because you felt slighted and spent moons pretending all was well and for what? So you could run wild with a dj and live out your party days? The confusion that is people amazes me, you want to be settled but you want to settle in an arena which poisons homes. They say a rose can grow in even concrete, they also say it grows alone in concrete so yes it will stand out much like the Lotus in the swamp but that's because it's all alone with poisonous marsh around it. After it wilts out of season no one cares anymore and it dies slowly until it's time to blossom again.

I've said all I needed to about your mess, you made it and you're the one making your mother's words come to pass. She said what she said because you never listen, you never heeded her warnings and look at that you're now living the exact same life she did. They really say youth is wasted on the young, you won't see the error of your ways til it's too late because as far as you go you're right to do what you're doing to those whom you say you care for. Yea well I'll be at a distance living safely and virus free, I've not forgotten when you were deathly afraid you'd contracted syphilis after you sold your body for a few days in a BMW with that other crazy chic. After all that you still haven't realized that it's the ease in which you lower your standards that causes you to end up in these messes, maybe one day my friend you will heed my words and stop being a sex toy to people who aren't interested in seeing you rise or sadly you may end upon the grave earlier than planned of worst doomed to a life of suffering before you even get to hell

Moving Forward

So it's happened again, another trial gone wrong only this time I've managed to capture the source of the issue so there's progress. So here's what I've learned from.this experience;

1. There's no changing people, people will be who they intend.to be no matter how much you talk. If someone isn't nurturing then they can't be made to be, no amount of sex or good treatment will change that. It doesn't matter what sad song they sing, people will not be able to get past their own traits.simply because these are the habits they treasure the most.

2. I've learned that very often what I seek isn't in the package I crave, so it's time to adjust my view of the package. The focus is now specifically leaning towards my basic needs and not the rest of the mumbo jumbo. I've seen what ignoring that looks like and it is ugly. People hide behind what they deem.as attractive traits, some.say generosity but behind that is an arrogant and demeaning spirit he'll bent on breaking you as a person. Easy to hide and much like spyware sneaks itself into your being turning you into a mindless slave after.

3. Stand true to my concepts of a relationship and ensure that the people I let into my personal have the same ambitions I do otherwise it's jus wasted time. Never try to convince someone to share my dreams, if they don't believe in it, there's no way I can convince them otherwise.

4. Always stay true to my instinct, I always foresee what people are and how they will react and still try to believe they'll be better. People are who they are, there's no changing them, nothing I ever say or do will change that and as such it's best to move on if I don't like what I see.

5. Most important, at no point in time is it ever acceptable to be belittled by anyone I'm interested in. I've seen the results of that and I must always remember to never belittle anyone but to always accept them as they are.

Subset

Thirty two years, after thirty two years I still don't feel like I've ever fit in or belonged anywhere. I've been in many circles and felt either too much or too little and been chastised for both. Sometimes I wonder if I really belong or if I'm always gonna stand out like a fluorescent pink sore on fatman scoop belly.
It's depressing to think that no matter where I go the balance I see is not seen elsewhere. I always feel like the alien to the point that now I've resorted to creating a facade designed to mask my true nature and with the hope that I fit in well enough to be unnoticed by the masses. I find it unfair though, going through this much effort and discomfort all in the name of ensuring my personality is well guarded behind an illusion of folly and pseudo fun and pride. I often wonder whats the point of it all though, what's the point of having to hide because of abusers and users, why disguise being soft and caring because of ridicule and torment, why confuse those around me into a false impression of my character? Its not that I want to but the reality is in the very questions I ask, I'm afraid of the consequences of being me, I'm afraid of reliving what was a painful time in life, I'm afraid of the torment and strife that comes with revealing the truth of my lifestyle.
Its a shame really, there's so much I have to share and offer but if I don't see about myself I won't ever be able to offer me any of me.
Maybe one day I won't have to hide who I am, maybe one day I'll be free to be all of me without fear or regret, maybe one day this will all be a bad dream and I'll wake up and see the world isn't as bad as it seems.

Outside mirrors

As the days wear on I'm feeling an old and very familiar air around me. I realize it's happening again, the persecution, the aggression and the overall abuse of my good nature. Jus the other day I was struck by a coworker for treating him with the scant courtesy and total lack of respect and regard he showed me. I still remember the amount of rage I felt surge through me, I saw the tunnel vision, I saw the care for his well being, the love for his family slip away from me with the speed of lightning. I saw only him and his blood falling to the ground just as my bloodied saliva did. In the end though I wasn't as alone as I thought and the hand of another coworker would quickly widen my vision.
I still wonder about it all though, what would've happened had it not been for the other two, what if it was really just me versus him, what if there was no one around to calm me down.............. It's a lot to ponder those consequences, it's even more to ponder the current torment of feeling overrun and outgunned. Seems everyone is out to get what they want and nothing more, seems like the world is once again aiming to milk me dry and leave me for nought. The timing is interesting as I'm on the verge of my breakthrough and almost free of the torment of long ago. As I sit here I wonder if I'm really ready to be successful, I realize now you have to be very selfish in order to go forward on this world, you can't have a soft heart, you can't feel for others, you can't be generous, you can't even be kind. It's all a charade, an act in a play so that you can bypass the traps out here. Sad really because it means I'll be no better than the rest but if I'm to at least be physically comfortable I see no other option.
Well maybe one day I won't have to live like them, maybe one day I can be free to be me without being judged and tormented, without the persecution and ridicule, without the strain of being different in a world where being the same is easier than being yourself.

Currently

It's back again, the heaviness, the torment, beginning to feel overwhelmed with grief and I'm starting to crack under the pressure. Days like this I'm not sure what to do with myself because its one issue that forever nags me, I feel like I've failed completely in life. I haven't been able to finish anything I've started and my low confidence is attacking me even harder.

Of late I've realized I'm impotent, I'm depressed, I'm jus not any good to myself and I'm not any good to anyone. I'm sitting here wondering why I have been unable to lift myself up because I know I'm putting things in place to be better and to do more. I feel alone tho, I feel unloved and unwanted, I feel walls of distrust I haven't felt for sometime now so I know they're closing in. I don't feel my joy or my passion, I feel uninspired and definitely unmotivated, it's hard even getting off the bed when the day comes, this morning was a great example of how depressed I am because even the basics to get the job done I'm uninterested in doing. I know what I want to do but for the life of me I'm so used to failing I have not even the slightest urge to try to succeed. Perhaps my detractors of years gone were right, I wasn't worth the effort and they had no right to believe in me, I honestly do feel like I'm wasting time and it's time I stopped fooling myself. On the other hand giving up means I have to show the world who I really am and that's not something I want to do, somehow I have to lower my visible potential some more so I won't seem as capable. Going back to this place raises that expectation because I'm looked at to do well, or are they lying and I'm buying dreams wholesale. Either which way I currently do not feel my potential, this is causing the chaos becuz to survive I have to act like I believe in my potential and it makes no sense. Maybe one day I can be my natural self around others but today isn't that day so for now I have to suck in all this stress and keep moving.

I cannot trust people not even my own blood, I cannot trust my shadow, I can only trust me and I need to be able to do that. Maybe one day I'll have a support team the way I support others………………………………………………