Subset

Thirty two years, after thirty two years I still don't feel like I've ever fit in or belonged anywhere. I've been in many circles and felt either too much or too little and been chastised for both. Sometimes I wonder if I really belong or if I'm always gonna stand out like a fluorescent pink sore on fatman scoop belly.
It's depressing to think that no matter where I go the balance I see is not seen elsewhere. I always feel like the alien to the point that now I've resorted to creating a facade designed to mask my true nature and with the hope that I fit in well enough to be unnoticed by the masses. I find it unfair though, going through this much effort and discomfort all in the name of ensuring my personality is well guarded behind an illusion of folly and pseudo fun and pride. I often wonder whats the point of it all though, what's the point of having to hide because of abusers and users, why disguise being soft and caring because of ridicule and torment, why confuse those around me into a false impression of my character? Its not that I want to but the reality is in the very questions I ask, I'm afraid of the consequences of being me, I'm afraid of reliving what was a painful time in life, I'm afraid of the torment and strife that comes with revealing the truth of my lifestyle.
Its a shame really, there's so much I have to share and offer but if I don't see about myself I won't ever be able to offer me any of me.
Maybe one day I won't have to hide who I am, maybe one day I'll be free to be all of me without fear or regret, maybe one day this will all be a bad dream and I'll wake up and see the world isn't as bad as it seems.

Outside mirrors

As the days wear on I'm feeling an old and very familiar air around me. I realize it's happening again, the persecution, the aggression and the overall abuse of my good nature. Jus the other day I was struck by a coworker for treating him with the scant courtesy and total lack of respect and regard he showed me. I still remember the amount of rage I felt surge through me, I saw the tunnel vision, I saw the care for his well being, the love for his family slip away from me with the speed of lightning. I saw only him and his blood falling to the ground just as my bloodied saliva did. In the end though I wasn't as alone as I thought and the hand of another coworker would quickly widen my vision.
I still wonder about it all though, what would've happened had it not been for the other two, what if it was really just me versus him, what if there was no one around to calm me down.............. It's a lot to ponder those consequences, it's even more to ponder the current torment of feeling overrun and outgunned. Seems everyone is out to get what they want and nothing more, seems like the world is once again aiming to milk me dry and leave me for nought. The timing is interesting as I'm on the verge of my breakthrough and almost free of the torment of long ago. As I sit here I wonder if I'm really ready to be successful, I realize now you have to be very selfish in order to go forward on this world, you can't have a soft heart, you can't feel for others, you can't be generous, you can't even be kind. It's all a charade, an act in a play so that you can bypass the traps out here. Sad really because it means I'll be no better than the rest but if I'm to at least be physically comfortable I see no other option.
Well maybe one day I won't have to live like them, maybe one day I can be free to be me without being judged and tormented, without the persecution and ridicule, without the strain of being different in a world where being the same is easier than being yourself.

Currently

It's back again, the heaviness, the torment, beginning to feel overwhelmed with grief and I'm starting to crack under the pressure. Days like this I'm not sure what to do with myself because its one issue that forever nags me, I feel like I've failed completely in life. I haven't been able to finish anything I've started and my low confidence is attacking me even harder.

Of late I've realized I'm impotent, I'm depressed, I'm jus not any good to myself and I'm not any good to anyone. I'm sitting here wondering why I have been unable to lift myself up because I know I'm putting things in place to be better and to do more. I feel alone tho, I feel unloved and unwanted, I feel walls of distrust I haven't felt for sometime now so I know they're closing in. I don't feel my joy or my passion, I feel uninspired and definitely unmotivated, it's hard even getting off the bed when the day comes, this morning was a great example of how depressed I am because even the basics to get the job done I'm uninterested in doing. I know what I want to do but for the life of me I'm so used to failing I have not even the slightest urge to try to succeed. Perhaps my detractors of years gone were right, I wasn't worth the effort and they had no right to believe in me, I honestly do feel like I'm wasting time and it's time I stopped fooling myself. On the other hand giving up means I have to show the world who I really am and that's not something I want to do, somehow I have to lower my visible potential some more so I won't seem as capable. Going back to this place raises that expectation because I'm looked at to do well, or are they lying and I'm buying dreams wholesale. Either which way I currently do not feel my potential, this is causing the chaos becuz to survive I have to act like I believe in my potential and it makes no sense. Maybe one day I can be my natural self around others but today isn't that day so for now I have to suck in all this stress and keep moving.

I cannot trust people not even my own blood, I cannot trust my shadow, I can only trust me and I need to be able to do that. Maybe one day I'll have a support team the way I support others………………………………………………

The Struggle

I dislike being taken advantaged of, these days you cannot be more than basic courteous to anyone for all it will bring you is suffering and torment. How is it in a world filled with the same species all looking for honesty, love, justice and commitment there is so much deceit, distrust, grudge and dishonesty? These atrocious traits are perpetuated by the very humans crying for saints and saintly ways. Imagine a world with people saying let's be nice while aiming guns and knives at each other! Imagine a civilization that cannot even trust it's own shadow for it too is steeped in the stench of deliberate misdirection and as such cannot be trusted to provide the most basic of truths.

Sad are these times when to live you must be camouflaged from the world in order to even walk the streets. So many of us have masks of so many varieties that we don't even know who we are at our very core!! Every time I leave home I have to wear a different identity in order to make it to the end of the day. It's not even like being able to drive a different car everyday, its simply an annoying show that I have to change daily to survive walking the streets. If you look too soft elements of crime hunt you, if you look too rough the police! If you even look somewhere in between then society discards you as lacking an identity on the whole. So how then am I supposed to fit in? Where do I belong if I can't even be part of me?? Seems no matter where I go I'm a square peg in a round hole, too qualified for some and under qualified for the rest. Whether I raise or lower my standards I just don't fit in, I don't belong to any set or group and worst I can't even belong to myself because according to said society this is insanity! The nerve of these people to tell me I can't belong to myself! What is so wrong with me that I can't even belong to myself?? Why is it so hard to just accept that I like being nice and I like working hard and I like progressing through hard work? Why do I always have to disrupt an entire plan jus to make one step?? Now after the disruption I'm left forty steps behind and still have to scrape and fight to achieve what? One step?? Society get real! This is why I do not get along with people and I want no part of any association with anybody! You bastards are untrustworthy and sickeningly hypocritical on all fronts!

There's no two ways to take any part of such folly seriously, whether you aspire to live in peace or torment the world with war you're not going to be treated fairly in a world where the unjust is unjust to all who chooses any path in life. Bound to the earth for a lifetime of torment, they only exist to ensure the time you spend here is difficult beyond measure. Some day I'll be free ……………………………………………………

My Cross

Sometimes it's not worth the struggle to discover a truth we already know, sometimes when we think better can happen it actually only gets worst. Days will come when you wonder what's the point of it all, if it makes sense fighting this fight at all, what's the purpose of my existence in all this chaos. Many times I'm genuine but very few am I real, you see this side of me and wonder how can he be so happy with ease. You don't know my struggle, you can't see my fears, never will you understand my pain, not even after a million years! I'm an enigma to you, kind, passionate, devoted, considerate, loving and gentle, I'm not your average tool wielding, strong arming man who can slay a pussy with a thought. I'm not even that man who you see in the streets and wonder if he really that rich or if he just spending somebody else's riches and looking like he a boss.

My wealth comes from inside, my strength comes from places you can never see, my power isn't in my frail muscles nor my decaying teeth. I'm nowhere near the biggest nor am I even close to the strongest, I get scared, I feel.sad and I get mad sometimes at the turn of a door. I can't promise you wild sex that will make your spine churn, I can't promise you a fun filled that only riches can earn, I can't promise you I can fix it all but I can promise you that my strength is buried in the Lord who keeps me safe from harm, away from evil, who guides my every step and ensures that when I say I'm yours I'm yours. I may not be the man of your dreams, I may not be the stars on the magazines but I'd like to be the man who makes your stars shine and your dreams soar, I'd like to be the man who you can say you worked with and built it all.

I'm shy most days but to you I'll be open, the world scares me because I gave them a chance to see me as me and all they did was spurn me. What you see when I'm out there is but a fraction of who I am, a shallow show designed to keep the hordes at bay. Come one or many none of them matter at all, me and you together we can conquer them and watch as they fall. I can only pray that the day you come you can appreciate all of me, for I will love and cherish all of you and to all of you I will always be true. Maybe one day we'll meet by the Lord's grace, maybe one day we'll wed and build us a comfortable space that we may shelter from the pouring rain or blazing sun, maybe we can build our own paradise and shine our light all our lives long

Letting Go

As I officially turn 32 I find myself in a familiar but at the same time very strange place. About twelve hours ago I caught myself literally begging for the attention of a lady I'm supposed to be with, I mean literally screaming and cursing begging for her to stop running away from me and for the life of me I do not understand why I stooped so low. If we're supposed to be together how come I have to beg you to be with me and not realize you have made every excuse in the book to be elsewhere? The worst part is that I begged for more than two hours and I didn't realize what I was doing until nearly three hours after the argument started.
Now I know that when someone gets close, it's difficult for me to separate my feelings from the truth and that has been my downfall for years but yesterday was so clear. You jus do not beg for attention from people who swore they would give it to you freely, if you promise to always be that close in my life and I have to beg for your attention then somewhere a lie was told and I need to stop believing these lies. Imagine with all the stress going on you just couldn't stay and be where I needed you to be while I struggle to cope with it all. You ran away and told me that you were literally running away, it didn't even matter if I objected, you're running away and that's final. When I really needed your presence and support is when you chose to fight me off and push me away. You actually destroyed out friendship because throughout it all I have been by your side but now I see that it was all just one sided and that you're not as strong as you claim to be. In all the mess you couldn't even apologize you just insisted that you runaway and that's the part that really hurt deepest. It hurt that when I needed you I was left hanging all alone, it hurt that when I opened my arms for you to come closer you ran further and further, it hurt that while I was screaming at the top of my voice for you to be here you were going further and further away ignoring my every cry. It all hurt and it's all clear that this was a really big mistake, you're no different to the rest because just like the rest when I need you to be there by my side you disappear into the shadows and I'm still left to fight on my own and fight you too!
I guess I had to be the one to pay for the sins of the rest so I hope your happy, you win, the world of men have been made to shed your tears and now you have your revenge. Now you can boast that you conquered men and you did it your way, you can boast now of your strength to make men cry over you while you go out and live your life. Congratulations you won the fight and men lost at last. Meantime I'm going to lick my wounds and keep it moving, I ain't here to win any fights nor can I even fight anymore. I'm tired of having to always take the abuse when all I wanted was a growing love, I'm tired of having to constantly dry tears while everyone else walks off in some form of triumph, most of all I'm tired of being told I'm loved when I was really being suckered into a beat down. This is goodbye and I hope that life is great to you so that you won't have to beat anymore men. You're right, this is why I'll be single, I'm not strong enough to be with anyone because in the end as long as I am who I am then I can be nothing more than a punching bag.

Note to Self

It doesn't matter how good you may think they are, it doesn't matter how much they do for you! Never and I mean NEEVEERR let them in!! This is what you get for still believing you can trust people with the truth! At the end of the day you're too weak to be with anyone and if you continue wasting time believing that people will stay by your side once they realize who you really are you will end up wasting away!

I cannot imagine how many times I have warned you to never reveal these facts to them! Let them stay in confusion and you just dance your way around until all is settled but no you won't listen! You insist that you trust these unworthy assholes with the very weapon that kills you each and every time! Grow to fuck up and stop believing that you have friends or even associates! They're all the same and no matter how you swing it they will always be all the same! Now look at you, still alone and unsure of where she stands and all because you refuse to understand that they cannot be trusted!! It serves you right for thinking that any of them are "safe". None of them are safe and none of them will ever be safe because none of them understand what you're going through no matter how hard you try to explain it, they will never understand because they will never understand you!! To believe otherwise is simply fairytale shit that you need to let go of and realize that as long as you are you they will never want you or even like you!

She will leave, she's already started, she doesn't even remember that you asked her to spend your birthday with you quietly because why? She doesn't understand and she will reject the very concept of who you are and why you are who you are! Don't waste your time believing anything else because all you will do is set yourself up for a world of hurt and torment. Jus carry on with the mission and forget people, it doesn't matter if you're rich or not people just will not accept you for who you really are because nobody knows who you really are! Nobody will understand who you really are and nobody ever will understand who you are because they don't believe that you exist! Stay in your corner and life will be simple, you were doing so well for two years and now look what happen! From Anike to Lyndi to Khadija and now her! How many more examples do you need? Have you forgotten about starrie?? Did u forget about Jeanette?? Come on man get a grip and get it together!! They can't understand what they don't believe so stop wasting all that effort hoping for better because all you will get is worst!!