Trapped in Prison

Oh wow, here we go with the untrustworthy people again, the games people play with the emotions of others are the reason why the world is not enough. I've felt the brunt of this before, an affair that caused my life to end, turned my world upside down and made me into a tormented man. I get that your marriage wasnt the best, not sure what marriage is but you cheat on a man you took vows to honour and protect, to defend and love, to uphold in sickness and health, you violated those vows because you felt slighted and spent moons pretending all was well and for what? So you could run wild with a dj and live out your party days? The confusion that is people amazes me, you want to be settled but you want to settle in an arena which poisons homes. They say a rose can grow in even concrete, they also say it grows alone in concrete so yes it will stand out much like the Lotus in the swamp but that's because it's all alone with poisonous marsh around it. After it wilts out of season no one cares anymore and it dies slowly until it's time to blossom again.

I've said all I needed to about your mess, you made it and you're the one making your mother's words come to pass. She said what she said because you never listen, you never heeded her warnings and look at that you're now living the exact same life she did. They really say youth is wasted on the young, you won't see the error of your ways til it's too late because as far as you go you're right to do what you're doing to those whom you say you care for. Yea well I'll be at a distance living safely and virus free, I've not forgotten when you were deathly afraid you'd contracted syphilis after you sold your body for a few days in a BMW with that other crazy chic. After all that you still haven't realized that it's the ease in which you lower your standards that causes you to end up in these messes, maybe one day my friend you will heed my words and stop being a sex toy to people who aren't interested in seeing you rise or sadly you may end upon the grave earlier than planned of worst doomed to a life of suffering before you even get to hell

Moving Forward

So it's happened again, another trial gone wrong only this time I've managed to capture the source of the issue so there's progress. So here's what I've learned from.this experience;

1. There's no changing people, people will be who they intend.to be no matter how much you talk. If someone isn't nurturing then they can't be made to be, no amount of sex or good treatment will change that. It doesn't matter what sad song they sing, people will not be able to get past their own traits.simply because these are the habits they treasure the most.

2. I've learned that very often what I seek isn't in the package I crave, so it's time to adjust my view of the package. The focus is now specifically leaning towards my basic needs and not the rest of the mumbo jumbo. I've seen what ignoring that looks like and it is ugly. People hide behind what they deem.as attractive traits, some.say generosity but behind that is an arrogant and demeaning spirit he'll bent on breaking you as a person. Easy to hide and much like spyware sneaks itself into your being turning you into a mindless slave after.

3. Stand true to my concepts of a relationship and ensure that the people I let into my personal have the same ambitions I do otherwise it's jus wasted time. Never try to convince someone to share my dreams, if they don't believe in it, there's no way I can convince them otherwise.

4. Always stay true to my instinct, I always foresee what people are and how they will react and still try to believe they'll be better. People are who they are, there's no changing them, nothing I ever say or do will change that and as such it's best to move on if I don't like what I see.

5. Most important, at no point in time is it ever acceptable to be belittled by anyone I'm interested in. I've seen the results of that and I must always remember to never belittle anyone but to always accept them as they are.

Subset

Thirty two years, after thirty two years I still don't feel like I've ever fit in or belonged anywhere. I've been in many circles and felt either too much or too little and been chastised for both. Sometimes I wonder if I really belong or if I'm always gonna stand out like a fluorescent pink sore on fatman scoop belly.
It's depressing to think that no matter where I go the balance I see is not seen elsewhere. I always feel like the alien to the point that now I've resorted to creating a facade designed to mask my true nature and with the hope that I fit in well enough to be unnoticed by the masses. I find it unfair though, going through this much effort and discomfort all in the name of ensuring my personality is well guarded behind an illusion of folly and pseudo fun and pride. I often wonder whats the point of it all though, what's the point of having to hide because of abusers and users, why disguise being soft and caring because of ridicule and torment, why confuse those around me into a false impression of my character? Its not that I want to but the reality is in the very questions I ask, I'm afraid of the consequences of being me, I'm afraid of reliving what was a painful time in life, I'm afraid of the torment and strife that comes with revealing the truth of my lifestyle.
Its a shame really, there's so much I have to share and offer but if I don't see about myself I won't ever be able to offer me any of me.
Maybe one day I won't have to hide who I am, maybe one day I'll be free to be all of me without fear or regret, maybe one day this will all be a bad dream and I'll wake up and see the world isn't as bad as it seems.

Outside mirrors

As the days wear on I'm feeling an old and very familiar air around me. I realize it's happening again, the persecution, the aggression and the overall abuse of my good nature. Jus the other day I was struck by a coworker for treating him with the scant courtesy and total lack of respect and regard he showed me. I still remember the amount of rage I felt surge through me, I saw the tunnel vision, I saw the care for his well being, the love for his family slip away from me with the speed of lightning. I saw only him and his blood falling to the ground just as my bloodied saliva did. In the end though I wasn't as alone as I thought and the hand of another coworker would quickly widen my vision.
I still wonder about it all though, what would've happened had it not been for the other two, what if it was really just me versus him, what if there was no one around to calm me down.............. It's a lot to ponder those consequences, it's even more to ponder the current torment of feeling overrun and outgunned. Seems everyone is out to get what they want and nothing more, seems like the world is once again aiming to milk me dry and leave me for nought. The timing is interesting as I'm on the verge of my breakthrough and almost free of the torment of long ago. As I sit here I wonder if I'm really ready to be successful, I realize now you have to be very selfish in order to go forward on this world, you can't have a soft heart, you can't feel for others, you can't be generous, you can't even be kind. It's all a charade, an act in a play so that you can bypass the traps out here. Sad really because it means I'll be no better than the rest but if I'm to at least be physically comfortable I see no other option.
Well maybe one day I won't have to live like them, maybe one day I can be free to be me without being judged and tormented, without the persecution and ridicule, without the strain of being different in a world where being the same is easier than being yourself.

Currently

It's back again, the heaviness, the torment, beginning to feel overwhelmed with grief and I'm starting to crack under the pressure. Days like this I'm not sure what to do with myself because its one issue that forever nags me, I feel like I've failed completely in life. I haven't been able to finish anything I've started and my low confidence is attacking me even harder.

Of late I've realized I'm impotent, I'm depressed, I'm jus not any good to myself and I'm not any good to anyone. I'm sitting here wondering why I have been unable to lift myself up because I know I'm putting things in place to be better and to do more. I feel alone tho, I feel unloved and unwanted, I feel walls of distrust I haven't felt for sometime now so I know they're closing in. I don't feel my joy or my passion, I feel uninspired and definitely unmotivated, it's hard even getting off the bed when the day comes, this morning was a great example of how depressed I am because even the basics to get the job done I'm uninterested in doing. I know what I want to do but for the life of me I'm so used to failing I have not even the slightest urge to try to succeed. Perhaps my detractors of years gone were right, I wasn't worth the effort and they had no right to believe in me, I honestly do feel like I'm wasting time and it's time I stopped fooling myself. On the other hand giving up means I have to show the world who I really am and that's not something I want to do, somehow I have to lower my visible potential some more so I won't seem as capable. Going back to this place raises that expectation because I'm looked at to do well, or are they lying and I'm buying dreams wholesale. Either which way I currently do not feel my potential, this is causing the chaos becuz to survive I have to act like I believe in my potential and it makes no sense. Maybe one day I can be my natural self around others but today isn't that day so for now I have to suck in all this stress and keep moving.

I cannot trust people not even my own blood, I cannot trust my shadow, I can only trust me and I need to be able to do that. Maybe one day I'll have a support team the way I support others………………………………………………

The Struggle

I dislike being taken advantaged of, these days you cannot be more than basic courteous to anyone for all it will bring you is suffering and torment. How is it in a world filled with the same species all looking for honesty, love, justice and commitment there is so much deceit, distrust, grudge and dishonesty? These atrocious traits are perpetuated by the very humans crying for saints and saintly ways. Imagine a world with people saying let's be nice while aiming guns and knives at each other! Imagine a civilization that cannot even trust it's own shadow for it too is steeped in the stench of deliberate misdirection and as such cannot be trusted to provide the most basic of truths.

Sad are these times when to live you must be camouflaged from the world in order to even walk the streets. So many of us have masks of so many varieties that we don't even know who we are at our very core!! Every time I leave home I have to wear a different identity in order to make it to the end of the day. It's not even like being able to drive a different car everyday, its simply an annoying show that I have to change daily to survive walking the streets. If you look too soft elements of crime hunt you, if you look too rough the police! If you even look somewhere in between then society discards you as lacking an identity on the whole. So how then am I supposed to fit in? Where do I belong if I can't even be part of me?? Seems no matter where I go I'm a square peg in a round hole, too qualified for some and under qualified for the rest. Whether I raise or lower my standards I just don't fit in, I don't belong to any set or group and worst I can't even belong to myself because according to said society this is insanity! The nerve of these people to tell me I can't belong to myself! What is so wrong with me that I can't even belong to myself?? Why is it so hard to just accept that I like being nice and I like working hard and I like progressing through hard work? Why do I always have to disrupt an entire plan jus to make one step?? Now after the disruption I'm left forty steps behind and still have to scrape and fight to achieve what? One step?? Society get real! This is why I do not get along with people and I want no part of any association with anybody! You bastards are untrustworthy and sickeningly hypocritical on all fronts!

There's no two ways to take any part of such folly seriously, whether you aspire to live in peace or torment the world with war you're not going to be treated fairly in a world where the unjust is unjust to all who chooses any path in life. Bound to the earth for a lifetime of torment, they only exist to ensure the time you spend here is difficult beyond measure. Some day I'll be free ……………………………………………………

My Cross

Sometimes it's not worth the struggle to discover a truth we already know, sometimes when we think better can happen it actually only gets worst. Days will come when you wonder what's the point of it all, if it makes sense fighting this fight at all, what's the purpose of my existence in all this chaos. Many times I'm genuine but very few am I real, you see this side of me and wonder how can he be so happy with ease. You don't know my struggle, you can't see my fears, never will you understand my pain, not even after a million years! I'm an enigma to you, kind, passionate, devoted, considerate, loving and gentle, I'm not your average tool wielding, strong arming man who can slay a pussy with a thought. I'm not even that man who you see in the streets and wonder if he really that rich or if he just spending somebody else's riches and looking like he a boss.

My wealth comes from inside, my strength comes from places you can never see, my power isn't in my frail muscles nor my decaying teeth. I'm nowhere near the biggest nor am I even close to the strongest, I get scared, I feel.sad and I get mad sometimes at the turn of a door. I can't promise you wild sex that will make your spine churn, I can't promise you a fun filled that only riches can earn, I can't promise you I can fix it all but I can promise you that my strength is buried in the Lord who keeps me safe from harm, away from evil, who guides my every step and ensures that when I say I'm yours I'm yours. I may not be the man of your dreams, I may not be the stars on the magazines but I'd like to be the man who makes your stars shine and your dreams soar, I'd like to be the man who you can say you worked with and built it all.

I'm shy most days but to you I'll be open, the world scares me because I gave them a chance to see me as me and all they did was spurn me. What you see when I'm out there is but a fraction of who I am, a shallow show designed to keep the hordes at bay. Come one or many none of them matter at all, me and you together we can conquer them and watch as they fall. I can only pray that the day you come you can appreciate all of me, for I will love and cherish all of you and to all of you I will always be true. Maybe one day we'll meet by the Lord's grace, maybe one day we'll wed and build us a comfortable space that we may shelter from the pouring rain or blazing sun, maybe we can build our own paradise and shine our light all our lives long