Letting Go

As I officially turn 32 I find myself in a familiar but at the same time very strange place. About twelve hours ago I caught myself literally begging for the attention of a lady I'm supposed to be with, I mean literally screaming and cursing begging for her to stop running away from me and for the life of me I do not understand why I stooped so low. If we're supposed to be together how come I have to beg you to be with me and not realize you have made every excuse in the book to be elsewhere? The worst part is that I begged for more than two hours and I didn't realize what I was doing until nearly three hours after the argument started.
Now I know that when someone gets close, it's difficult for me to separate my feelings from the truth and that has been my downfall for years but yesterday was so clear. You jus do not beg for attention from people who swore they would give it to you freely, if you promise to always be that close in my life and I have to beg for your attention then somewhere a lie was told and I need to stop believing these lies. Imagine with all the stress going on you just couldn't stay and be where I needed you to be while I struggle to cope with it all. You ran away and told me that you were literally running away, it didn't even matter if I objected, you're running away and that's final. When I really needed your presence and support is when you chose to fight me off and push me away. You actually destroyed out friendship because throughout it all I have been by your side but now I see that it was all just one sided and that you're not as strong as you claim to be. In all the mess you couldn't even apologize you just insisted that you runaway and that's the part that really hurt deepest. It hurt that when I needed you I was left hanging all alone, it hurt that when I opened my arms for you to come closer you ran further and further, it hurt that while I was screaming at the top of my voice for you to be here you were going further and further away ignoring my every cry. It all hurt and it's all clear that this was a really big mistake, you're no different to the rest because just like the rest when I need you to be there by my side you disappear into the shadows and I'm still left to fight on my own and fight you too!
I guess I had to be the one to pay for the sins of the rest so I hope your happy, you win, the world of men have been made to shed your tears and now you have your revenge. Now you can boast that you conquered men and you did it your way, you can boast now of your strength to make men cry over you while you go out and live your life. Congratulations you won the fight and men lost at last. Meantime I'm going to lick my wounds and keep it moving, I ain't here to win any fights nor can I even fight anymore. I'm tired of having to always take the abuse when all I wanted was a growing love, I'm tired of having to constantly dry tears while everyone else walks off in some form of triumph, most of all I'm tired of being told I'm loved when I was really being suckered into a beat down. This is goodbye and I hope that life is great to you so that you won't have to beat anymore men. You're right, this is why I'll be single, I'm not strong enough to be with anyone because in the end as long as I am who I am then I can be nothing more than a punching bag.

Note to Self

It doesn't matter how good you may think they are, it doesn't matter how much they do for you! Never and I mean NEEVEERR let them in!! This is what you get for still believing you can trust people with the truth! At the end of the day you're too weak to be with anyone and if you continue wasting time believing that people will stay by your side once they realize who you really are you will end up wasting away!

I cannot imagine how many times I have warned you to never reveal these facts to them! Let them stay in confusion and you just dance your way around until all is settled but no you won't listen! You insist that you trust these unworthy assholes with the very weapon that kills you each and every time! Grow to fuck up and stop believing that you have friends or even associates! They're all the same and no matter how you swing it they will always be all the same! Now look at you, still alone and unsure of where she stands and all because you refuse to understand that they cannot be trusted!! It serves you right for thinking that any of them are "safe". None of them are safe and none of them will ever be safe because none of them understand what you're going through no matter how hard you try to explain it, they will never understand because they will never understand you!! To believe otherwise is simply fairytale shit that you need to let go of and realize that as long as you are you they will never want you or even like you!

She will leave, she's already started, she doesn't even remember that you asked her to spend your birthday with you quietly because why? She doesn't understand and she will reject the very concept of who you are and why you are who you are! Don't waste your time believing anything else because all you will do is set yourself up for a world of hurt and torment. Jus carry on with the mission and forget people, it doesn't matter if you're rich or not people just will not accept you for who you really are because nobody knows who you really are! Nobody will understand who you really are and nobody ever will understand who you are because they don't believe that you exist! Stay in your corner and life will be simple, you were doing so well for two years and now look what happen! From Anike to Lyndi to Khadija and now her! How many more examples do you need? Have you forgotten about starrie?? Did u forget about Jeanette?? Come on man get a grip and get it together!! They can't understand what they don't believe so stop wasting all that effort hoping for better because all you will get is worst!!

Stepping Forward

Its 2015 and a lot has changed but a lot remains the same. I have a new job with old ways of the system, a new girl with my old fears and cares and even tho I lost my truck I can actually buy back one later this year. Well I've not been here in a while because I'm actually at peace, despite one brother being in jail and the other hospitalized there's no turmoil in my life to send me insane. I jus wished I was past this first stage of development but impatience still haunts me even in my wisdom. This time tho, I'm not about hunting goals and chasing dreams, I'm wise enough to know that what you chase will always elude you because what is for you will come to you. I've even made a new plan and it is very plausible with so much ease that it forces me to save what I would have otherwise wasted. I've finally gotten my family to support my ambitions and wouldn't you know it comes when the most amount of division has risen in my home.

As I march towards my 32nd birthday, I realize I have some loose ends to tie up and I think it's time I did so. Loose ends always mean a humbug to trip over if left unattended, most of these are financial though and the best part is that it's an easy mess to clean without any headache whatsoever. Well that's me for now, it's getting shorter because I'm really that much happier with less stress and less worries. Coming to think of it I haven't stressed in days now! Let's hope this keeps up