Subset

Thirty two years, after thirty two years I still don't feel like I've ever fit in or belonged anywhere. I've been in many circles and felt either too much or too little and been chastised for both. Sometimes I wonder if I really belong or if I'm always gonna stand out like a fluorescent pink sore on fatman scoop belly.
It's depressing to think that no matter where I go the balance I see is not seen elsewhere. I always feel like the alien to the point that now I've resorted to creating a facade designed to mask my true nature and with the hope that I fit in well enough to be unnoticed by the masses. I find it unfair though, going through this much effort and discomfort all in the name of ensuring my personality is well guarded behind an illusion of folly and pseudo fun and pride. I often wonder whats the point of it all though, what's the point of having to hide because of abusers and users, why disguise being soft and caring because of ridicule and torment, why confuse those around me into a false impression of my character? Its not that I want to but the reality is in the very questions I ask, I'm afraid of the consequences of being me, I'm afraid of reliving what was a painful time in life, I'm afraid of the torment and strife that comes with revealing the truth of my lifestyle.
Its a shame really, there's so much I have to share and offer but if I don't see about myself I won't ever be able to offer me any of me.
Maybe one day I won't have to hide who I am, maybe one day I'll be free to be all of me without fear or regret, maybe one day this will all be a bad dream and I'll wake up and see the world isn't as bad as it seems.