It's back again, the heaviness, the torment, beginning to feel overwhelmed with grief and I'm starting to crack under the pressure. Days like this I'm not sure what to do with myself because its one issue that forever nags me, I feel like I've failed completely in life. I haven't been able to finish anything I've started and my low confidence is attacking me even harder.
Of late I've realized I'm impotent, I'm depressed, I'm jus not any good to myself and I'm not any good to anyone. I'm sitting here wondering why I have been unable to lift myself up because I know I'm putting things in place to be better and to do more. I feel alone tho, I feel unloved and unwanted, I feel walls of distrust I haven't felt for sometime now so I know they're closing in. I don't feel my joy or my passion, I feel uninspired and definitely unmotivated, it's hard even getting off the bed when the day comes, this morning was a great example of how depressed I am because even the basics to get the job done I'm uninterested in doing. I know what I want to do but for the life of me I'm so used to failing I have not even the slightest urge to try to succeed. Perhaps my detractors of years gone were right, I wasn't worth the effort and they had no right to believe in me, I honestly do feel like I'm wasting time and it's time I stopped fooling myself. On the other hand giving up means I have to show the world who I really am and that's not something I want to do, somehow I have to lower my visible potential some more so I won't seem as capable. Going back to this place raises that expectation because I'm looked at to do well, or are they lying and I'm buying dreams wholesale. Either which way I currently do not feel my potential, this is causing the chaos becuz to survive I have to act like I believe in my potential and it makes no sense. Maybe one day I can be my natural self around others but today isn't that day so for now I have to suck in all this stress and keep moving.
I cannot trust people not even my own blood, I cannot trust my shadow, I can only trust me and I need to be able to do that. Maybe one day I'll have a support team the way I support others………………………………………………
